June Marches On

I don't think I ever really understood other people's pain before. I have always had sympathy for sadness or whatever but mostly I think I admired those who seemed to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and get on with it. But I didn't understand it. It was easy for me to think on some level that, oh everyone has problems, blah, blah, blah. But I had never truly lost before. I lost my grandmother when I was 15. I loved her dearly and certainly miss her...but it's not the same. My uncle, her youngest son is only two years older than I am. I never understood the pain of his loss or my mom's when they lost her. (I probably still don't understand my uncle's because he was so young when she died.) It is unlike anything I have ever experienced and it will never go away. I understand now that those people for whom I had admiration for their resilience were just doing what they had to do because they had no choice but to.

I will never say there was anything good in it. I kind of want to slap people when they say things like "oh look for the blessings in it.." Um, I don't know what blessing there was in watching my dad die of cancer for four years. Lessons learned, perhaps. Lessons like keep your mouth shut if you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

I haven't blogged for awhile. Just not really feeling it. But it is a record for my girls since I long ago stopped writing in their journals. So, I guess I will continue. I'll try to make some happy happy joy joy posts too if the urge strikes me.