The Mother I Want To Be

I'm not. The mother I want to be, that is. I'm working on it. It is an evolutionary process.

I was so glad when this summer break came. I needed the time for lots of reasons. Of course, to try and deal with my father's death. I can't say I have. I'm not sure that's possible. I am coming to a place where I am starting to put together this new person I have to be. The whole process stinks but I haven't much choice. I have to do it or I will not ever be the mother I want to be to my children. I am it. I am their only parent (in this country anyway)so I have to get my crap together even though putting broken pieces together never results in quite the same composition as the original.

In becoming the mother I want to be, I have to consider the kind of people I want my kids to be and then figure out how to help them become that. In some cases, they already are on their way.

-I want them to be open to people and experiences
I don't want them to be afraid to try new things. I want them to embrace the idea of newness and breaking out of a comfort zone. I want them to be able to work through fear and come out the other side better for it.

-I want them to be healthy
I have spent most of my life fighting a battle with weight. I have been fit and I have been fat. I want them to understand that eating well and exercising and resting are all part of every other aspect of life. It isn't really about a number on a scale. It is about a level of health and fitness.
I think I am doing okay with this one and getting better as I make my way, once again, toward fitness. We rarely eat fast food. Their snacks (at home anyway) are almost exclusively fruits and veggies. They know what foods are good for them and which ones are junk. They know that junk is a sometimes treat (not forbidden foods). They are both involved in physical activities. They love them and also love to play at the park or in the yard or go for walks or to the pool. I have shifted from saying I am going to the gym to "get rid of my fat belly" to saying, "I'm getting in shape." They aren't fixated on being skinny. Neither has a clue what they weigh or that the number is important. Well, except maybe that we are living for the day Brynly hits 40 pounds and can get out of the five point harness car seat, but that is another story... They are able to make good choices most of the time. Well, Brynly is still a suger baby but at least she knows it's junk.

-I want them to be students of the world
School is not the end all be all of the world. I want them to realize the importance of school but not blow it out of proportion. I expect them to learn and to do their best at their school work. But I also want them to keep its importance in perspective. I don't give a flying fig about standardized test scores or some of the other useless drivel they have to learn in school. I want them to be able to read and to express themselves with words, both written and spoken. I want them be able to think through a problem. I want them to be able to understand what can be understood in the world around them. There are things I want them to learn that schools just don't have enough time for. And I want them to learn things that can only be learned through experience. I want them to learn about art. I want them to learn about different places and people. I want them to develop their own creativity.

-I want them to be self sufficient and industrious
Being a single person, I do many things for myslef that others may not. Even moreso over the last five years as my dad was able to do less and less. Things that I would have turned to him to do like household fixes or whatever, he just couldn't. So, I did them myself. I want my girls to know that they don't always have to enlist someone else's help. Birkely already has this in her to a great extent.

-I want them to have a strong sense of self
I am happy with where the girls are on this point. A huge, important priority is that they are always in touch with the fact that they are Ethiopian and that it is a wonderful thing to be. This has been a focus since day one and, I can say that at this point, they get it. They embrace it. I never ever want them to think that I "saved" them from Ethiopia. Unfortunate circumstances led to their being adopted. It was not the fault of their parents or their country. It's just the way things happened.
Cultivating this is different for each of them. Birkely very much remembers her life in Ethiopia. She remembers the family there, the things she did and the people she loves. She is excited to go back. She loves when we are able to make connections here whether it is eating Ethiopian food, listening to music, visiting our friend who was studying here last year. She has never rejected it and I am happy that there weren't elements of her past that would make her want to. With her, my job is more one of maintaining ties and memories. With Brynly, it is more about creating as she has no memories of life there. Brynly has an Ethiopian song that is "hers." She likes to say her Amharic and often askes what the Amharic word is for this or that.
Beyond their Ethiopianness, I want them to know what they stand for. They have very different personalities but I want each of them to be strong enoug in what they know and believe to be able to fend off the pressure and evils that will come more and more as they get older.

I am sure there are more. These cover the biggies I think.