I used to always "come out smelling like a rose." Curveballs would be thrown but somehow I would bob and weave and avoid whatever. Some potentially bad situation would arise and it would be scary thinking about the could bes. But then it would work out and you look back and say, "wow that was close..." However, somehow, somewhere down deep inside, you did kind of assume whatever it was would work out okay.
Until you watch someone you love die from a disease that showed little mercy over a four year span, you can still have that delusion. Or maybe you are just that lucky that you will always dodge the bullet. I don't and can't labor under that delusion anymore. Having gotten the worst news possible at almost every turn, having had the worst happen...I don't have that luxury anymore. The loss of that has created a sort of fault line in my own foundation. It makes life a little more stressful, a little more frightening, a little sadder...
I am often operating in a state of disconnect. People, places and things that I once felt very connected to, I don't anymore. That is not to say those connections won't be made again, but at this moment, I am sort of an island unto myself except for my immediate family.
I will never, ever attribute anything good to my dad dying the death he did. Not ever. Learning the lessons is not the same as "finding the good in it." One of the lessons learned has been the elimination of some mind sets. A lot of the self indulgent silliness that once existed is gone. It is useless. Any remaining part of me that was motivated by what other people think is gone. I do not parent my children based on its reflection of me. I don't care what other people think of our house, clothes, car, etc. I am much more choosy when I pick my battles. I was never particularly defensive about much, but I let even more go now.
I don't know. I'm not sure where I am going with this. Maybe someday it will all make sense.
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It may never make sence. But you are and I trust will be a wonderful parent, sister, daughter and friend. You have come a long way in your academics, from you bachelors to masters and now PHD. You exceded in all. Well girl friend welcome to the school of HARD KNOCKS. Life, emotions and feelings aren't in the books, they are lived and suffered through. Sometimes to our disappointment and pain, but be assured there are always little glimmers of happy sunshine mixed in, however brief they may be, along the way. You always know you, unlike some people, have sounding boards that will just listen. Like me.
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