Off We Go...

Reading

2012-01-25T17:40:00.000-08:00

Back in August I decided I wanted to read more. Since then I have read three books. Not an earth shattering number but still three more than I would ordinarily have read. The first was Year of Wonders. It is my university's common reading for the year. I didn't love it but it was okay. The second was a Dog's Purpose. A little contrived but I really enjoyed it. The third was The Year of Magical Thinking. A freind of mine told me about it several years ago. He had read it a few months after his mother died. I wrote breifly about it in my last post. Anyhoo, when I was reading it, there was a specific passage that really described sort of where I was/am. I marked the page and planned to save that passage somehow. So, I think maybw with each book I read I will make note of some passage that I want to remember or revisit. The blog seems as good a place as any to do that.

" I'm writing now as the end of the first year approaches. The sky in New York is dark when I wake at seven and darkening again by four in the afternoon. There are colored lights on the quince branches in the living room. There were also colored Christmas lights on the quince branches in the living room a year ago, on the night it happened, but in the spring...those strings burned out, went dead. This served as a symbol. I bought new strings of colored lights. This served as a profession of faith in the future. I take the opportunity for such professions when and where I can invent them, since I do not yet actually feel this faith in the future."

So, yea. I like that passage.

I am now reading Beneath the Lion's Gaze. It is set in 1970s Ethiopia during the Derg revolution that nseated Haile Selassie. Interesting, frightening. I'm about half way through/ I will report back when I finish.

New Year's Day

2012-01-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

New Year's Day 2012. This is a day when people usually look back, look ahead, etc.

I don't want to look back on the year just past. It sucked. Words I would use to describe it include: devastating, catastrophic, duck and cover. I just really don't want to reflect on it.

Looking ahead has a bit of comfort in it in a sort of ignorance is bliss sort of way. I don't look forward in the way that I used to. There will never again be that "all is right with the world" feeling for me. But, I am allowing myself the thought and hope that 2012 will be better than 2011.

I am reading a book right now ( The Year of Magical Thinking). It is memoirish type thing about an author whose husband keeled over at the dinner table one night when they returned to their NYC apartment after having visited their 20 something, comatose daughter in the hospital. There isn't really a story to it. It is this woman working through the first year after her husband's death. At one point in the book she wrote basically that grief was passive and that mourning was the work, the therapeutic putting together of broken pieces. That line, "grief is passive", has stuck with me. I understand that. The last nine months have been marked by grief. I think I am ready for the mourning part. I kind of have to be. I don't like being in a passive state. I don't like being sad and miserable almost all the time. I can't allow my children to live that way. So I guess that is what I am looking to happen in the year ahead. Still doesn't sound like a barrel of monkeys, but it is what it is.

Beti Smiles

2011-12-14T17:50:00.000-08:00

Meet Bethlehem. Beti. She smiles. She smiles all the time. She was smiling when I walked into the Read and Feed Learning Center and met her. She was smiling when we loaded up the van to head to the amusement park...when she took my hand as we walked to the first ride...when she ate her very first ice cream cone. Every time I saw her, she had a big smile on her face. She smiles one of those smiles that comes from her eyes as much as her mouth.

She lives a life that would steal the smile from most. Both of her parents are dead. Let me say that again. Both of her parents died. She is nine year old and has no parents. She lives with extended family who took her in. She lives in a poverty that would bring us to our knees. I am talking about no electricity, no water...nothing.

But, she smiles.

The day we took the kids to the amusement park, she thanked me over and over. "Amaseganalu, amaseganalu..." I learned a lesson from this child and am pretty sure I should have been the one thanking her.

A Day at the Park

2011-12-02T18:57:00.000-08:00

I need to post about my recent trip to Ethiopia.

In the meantime, enjoy

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Duncan

2011-10-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

This funny looking little dog has been a breath of fresh air in our house.

We had been dogless since September 22. I had decided the best plan would be to wait until my Christmas break and then get a puppy. It was killing me to wait. I didn't like being dogless. I love our twin kitties and they are fun and all. But, I am a dog person. I really missed having a dog. But, I am working everyday and am going to be gone for a week to Ethiopia next month...A puppy takes a lot of time to train. They have to go out to pee and poo every couple of hours... So, I was gonna wait.

Then, Sunday a week ago, my sister calls to tell me the Humane Society had some dogs at the pet store for a mini adopt a thon. I needed to come see this little pug looking dog. We headed over and met this cute little guy. He walked around with my nephews, sat on Birkely's lap and licked Brynly. Everyone just loved him. He was not a baby puppy, but a little over a year old, already neutered, up to date on shots. Perfect. But, someone had already been there looking at him and she came back with her son. They filled out papers for him and arranged to come get him. Alas... But wait, he had a brother the Humane Society lady said. I decided to go meet the brother the next morning.

I arrived at the shelter the next morning to meet the brother. As I walked in, the lady said, "they didn't take him." It was fate. I filled out the papers, wrote the check and said I would pick him up the next day. My mom stepped up and offered to go get him that day. Woo hoo.

Duncan is great. He is stubborn as all get out. A shoe and some other things have fallen victim to him. He steals our underwear and we are on cage #3 in an effort to contain him while we are gone. He is snuggly and loving and will sit on my lap through an entire soccer game. He snores and snorts and hogs the bed. He eats the cats' food and isn't quite housebroken. He gives doggie kisses freely and his whole body shakes when he wags his curled up tail.

I still miss my Rudi, but Duncan sure has softened the blow.

Dodging the Bullet

2011-10-10T09:01:00.001-07:00

I used to always "come out smelling like a rose." Curveballs would be thrown but somehow I would bob and weave and avoid whatever. Some potentially bad situation would arise and it would be scary thinking about the could bes. But then it would work out and you look back and say, "wow that was close..." However, somehow, somewhere down deep inside, you did kind of assume whatever it was would work out okay.

Until you watch someone you love die from a disease that showed little mercy over a four year span, you can still have that delusion. Or maybe you are just that lucky that you will always dodge the bullet. I don't and can't labor under that delusion anymore. Having gotten the worst news possible at almost every turn, having had the worst happen...I don't have that luxury anymore. The loss of that has created a sort of fault line in my own foundation. It makes life a little more stressful, a little more frightening, a little sadder...

I am often operating in a state of disconnect. People, places and things that I once felt very connected to, I don't anymore. That is not to say those connections won't be made again, but at this moment, I am sort of an island unto myself except for my immediate family.

I will never, ever attribute anything good to my dad dying the death he did. Not ever. Learning the lessons is not the same as "finding the good in it." One of the lessons learned has been the elimination of some mind sets. A lot of the self indulgent silliness that once existed is gone. It is useless. Any remaining part of me that was motivated by what other people think is gone. I do not parent my children based on its reflection of me. I don't care what other people think of our house, clothes, car, etc. I am much more choosy when I pick my battles. I was never particularly defensive about much, but I let even more go now.

I don't know. I'm not sure where I am going with this. Maybe someday it will all make sense.

Metal Mouth

2011-10-03T10:51:00.001-07:00

Birkely got her braces put on last week. She was beyond excited. Not a bit nervous or daunted by the extra care that will be involved. She has been asking for them for over a year...since she found out about their existence.

While she was sitting there having her cheeks pulled apart and having things fitted and glued, my thoughts were about how this is going to be two years of juggling work and school with all these appointments, paying for the two teeth she has to have pulled in the next couple of weeks to keep the timeline intact and, not to mention, how much this whole process costs. Then I looked at her. She was lying in the chair, holding a mirror and just staring at her mouth. She was in her own little world. I can't know exactly what she was thinking, but I have to wonder if she was thinking of the marvel of this. How such a thing was so far from the realm of possibility (or even imagination) 2 and a half years ago.

I have seen that look before. The first time she saw a computer, the first time she rode a roller coaster, the first Christmas...it was that look of wonder that I haven't seen in a long time.

I hope she is always able to find things of wonder.

17 Years

2011-09-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

My sweet Rudi died yesterday. I am so sad. She was a dear and cherished part of my life for 17 years. I had Rudi for 13 years before I became mother to my human children. For 17 years, no matter what, I was not alone. No matter who came and went from my life, Rudi was there.

17 years is a long time. I got her when I was 22 years old. She had been with me for my entire adult life...until yesterday.

She was as playful as a puppy for 16 of those 17 years. She accepted my children and was patient and loving with them and everyone.

She was my baby. I am happy to have had her with me for so long. But, even so, 17 years were not enough.

Goodbye, My Friend

2011-09-22T17:53:00.000-07:00

We had to say another goodbye today.

Damn.

Paradigm Shift

2011-09-14T08:48:00.000-07:00

It is funny that so soon after I posted my last post about striving to be the mother I need to be we had an incident here on the homefront that has been the impetus for a paradigm shift.

I don't want to go into what happened. It is a long story. But it is one of those things that makes your mind go to a lot of scary "what if" scenarios.

My daughter and I realized some things last week. Some things were taken for granted by one and not fully believed by the other. They are no longer taken for granted and have now been demonstrated to a point of surity.

The rules of the house remain but the approach has been downgraded from somewhat of an unintended dictatorship to more of a democracy. The standard is still high but communication has been increased.

We each own our role in what has been and what needs to be.

Although last week took about ten years off my life, we are better for it.

The Mother I Want To Be

2011-09-07T07:27:00.001-07:00

I'm not. The mother I want to be, that is. I'm working on it. It is an evolutionary process.

I was so glad when this summer break came. I needed the time for lots of reasons. Of course, to try and deal with my father's death. I can't say I have. I'm not sure that's possible. I am coming to a place where I am starting to put together this new person I have to be. The whole process stinks but I haven't much choice. I have to do it or I will not ever be the mother I want to be to my children. I am it. I am their only parent (in this country anyway)so I have to get my crap together even though putting broken pieces together never results in quite the same composition as the original.

In becoming the mother I want to be, I have to consider the kind of people I want my kids to be and then figure out how to help them become that. In some cases, they already are on their way.

-I want them to be open to people and experiences
I don't want them to be afraid to try new things. I want them to embrace the idea of newness and breaking out of a comfort zone. I want them to be able to work through fear and come out the other side better for it.

-I want them to be healthy
I have spent most of my life fighting a battle with weight. I have been fit and I have been fat. I want them to understand that eating well and exercising and resting are all part of every other aspect of life. It isn't really about a number on a scale. It is about a level of health and fitness.
I think I am doing okay with this one and getting better as I make my way, once again, toward fitness. We rarely eat fast food. Their snacks (at home anyway) are almost exclusively fruits and veggies. They know what foods are good for them and which ones are junk. They know that junk is a sometimes treat (not forbidden foods). They are both involved in physical activities. They love them and also love to play at the park or in the yard or go for walks or to the pool. I have shifted from saying I am going to the gym to "get rid of my fat belly" to saying, "I'm getting in shape." They aren't fixated on being skinny. Neither has a clue what they weigh or that the number is important. Well, except maybe that we are living for the day Brynly hits 40 pounds and can get out of the five point harness car seat, but that is another story... They are able to make good choices most of the time. Well, Brynly is still a suger baby but at least she knows it's junk.

-I want them to be students of the world
School is not the end all be all of the world. I want them to realize the importance of school but not blow it out of proportion. I expect them to learn and to do their best at their school work. But I also want them to keep its importance in perspective. I don't give a flying fig about standardized test scores or some of the other useless drivel they have to learn in school. I want them to be able to read and to express themselves with words, both written and spoken. I want them be able to think through a problem. I want them to be able to understand what can be understood in the world around them. There are things I want them to learn that schools just don't have enough time for. And I want them to learn things that can only be learned through experience. I want them to learn about art. I want them to learn about different places and people. I want them to develop their own creativity.

-I want them to be self sufficient and industrious
Being a single person, I do many things for myslef that others may not. Even moreso over the last five years as my dad was able to do less and less. Things that I would have turned to him to do like household fixes or whatever, he just couldn't. So, I did them myself. I want my girls to know that they don't always have to enlist someone else's help. Birkely already has this in her to a great extent.

-I want them to have a strong sense of self
I am happy with where the girls are on this point. A huge, important priority is that they are always in touch with the fact that they are Ethiopian and that it is a wonderful thing to be. This has been a focus since day one and, I can say that at this point, they get it. They embrace it. I never ever want them to think that I "saved" them from Ethiopia. Unfortunate circumstances led to their being adopted. It was not the fault of their parents or their country. It's just the way things happened.
Cultivating this is different for each of them. Birkely very much remembers her life in Ethiopia. She remembers the family there, the things she did and the people she loves. She is excited to go back. She loves when we are able to make connections here whether it is eating Ethiopian food, listening to music, visiting our friend who was studying here last year. She has never rejected it and I am happy that there weren't elements of her past that would make her want to. With her, my job is more one of maintaining ties and memories. With Brynly, it is more about creating as she has no memories of life there. Brynly has an Ethiopian song that is "hers." She likes to say her Amharic and often askes what the Amharic word is for this or that.
Beyond their Ethiopianness, I want them to know what they stand for. They have very different personalities but I want each of them to be strong enoug in what they know and believe to be able to fend off the pressure and evils that will come more and more as they get older.

I am sure there are more. These cover the biggies I think.

Birhan Goes to School

2011-09-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, this baby will go to school. Forget that it is Pre-K and that the baby is now 4 and half. My little, wee, noodly legged baby Birhan will strap on her backpack and walk into a school with over 1000 other kids. I am not sure how that could be.

It is a big day in her life. I can't believe how fast time has gone by. I can so easily remember our first night together in the guesthouse in Ethiopia. There we were. I had no idea how all of this was going to shake out. I remember looking at her in that crib, trying to keep her warm in that cold room...I remember promising that little baby that I would not screw this up.

That first night was the beginning. I have changed in ways I couldn't have imagined that night in that cold little room.

Tomorrow, we start the school years...

Birkely's Gotcha Day Video-Better Late than Never

2011-08-17T06:10:00.001-07:00

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Summer Snapshots

2011-08-05T19:14:00.001-07:00

Disney

2011-07-04T10:14:00.001-07:00

The other day the ladies, my BFF and her daughter, and I all returned from a week at DisneyWorld. As the bar I set for the vacation was very low, I would say it was a success. I really didn't want to go. This has been the worst year of my life. In all honesty, the kids and I are still reeling. The thought of spending a week at "the happiest place on Earth" was almost more than I could deal with. Add to that the fact that I dont really like DisneyWorld and that it was hotter than hell and it rained every single day.

Despite all that, the girls had fun. That is all I really cared about. I managed to pretend to be happy most days. B and B handled themselves fairly well, all things considered. Brynly was challenging at times. I can't blame her, really. She spent a lot of time waiting around for Birkely to ride things. There really isn't all that much for little kids to do in most of the parks. Naps were basically non existed. Her diet consisted almost exclusively of pizza and macaroni and cheese. Even so, she kept it together for the most part.

Birkely loves the thrill rides. So, she enjoyed the roller coasters and such. They both had fun meeting the characters. Brynly is still in that age where the divide between fantasy and reality is fuzzy, so she enjoyed seeing the characters. Birkely thought that was fun but was quite aware they were just actors in costumes. I am glad we did two character meal things. That way, we didn't have to stand in line to meet them. We stood in line to see Mickey and Minnie. The rest both girls passed on.

So, we went to Disney. I fulfilled that parental obligation. Given that both B and B spent much of the time wanting to go to the pool instead of the parks, I think I am safe to consider tropical beach locales for vacations now that this Disney stuff is out of the way.

Happy Gotcha Day Birkely!

2011-06-21T13:14:00.001-07:00

Two years ago today, Birkely and I officially began our life together.

I had met her on an earlier visit, but this was the day we walked out of the gates of the orphanage together. That first day was fun and, as is the inherent situation of adoption, bittersweet.

Dedra and I had landed that morning after an overnight in Dubai. Emebet and Tenaye met us at the guesthouse to do paperwork and head over to the orphanage. It was so different than the Gotcha trip for Brynly. I was meeting up with friends and that made it so much eaiser and less wierd.

We arrived and Birkely was happy but sad...so much to deal with for a little girl. We said quick goodbyes as we would be back for a Goodbye Ceremony later in the week. We headed to lunch, meeting up with some other friends.

Eventually, we made it back to the guesthouse, which involved Birkely's first experience on an elevator. I wish I had taken video of that. Birke and I laugh about it now.

The next few days were spent running around Addis. We visited Miskaye, spent time with friends, shopped, visited the National Museum...I really wanted her to have some experiences in her own capital city. She had never seen much more of it than the orphanage prior to our trip.

It is funny looking back, how some parts of the personality I have come to know so well were clear even then. Even then she had an interest in electronics. She would stare at the tv then as much as now. She desperately wanted to get her hands on the computer. The only toy I brought that she really had any interest in was a little Barbie laptop thing.

It was a little strange with all the new experiences and the language issue. But it was our beginning and it was a precious time.

Happy Gotcha Day to my sweet, smart, Sporty Spice!

June Marches On

2011-06-18T08:35:00.001-07:00

I don't think I ever really understood other people's pain before. I have always had sympathy for sadness or whatever but mostly I think I admired those who seemed to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and get on with it. But I didn't understand it. It was easy for me to think on some level that, oh everyone has problems, blah, blah, blah. But I had never truly lost before. I lost my grandmother when I was 15. I loved her dearly and certainly miss her...but it's not the same. My uncle, her youngest son is only two years older than I am. I never understood the pain of his loss or my mom's when they lost her. (I probably still don't understand my uncle's because he was so young when she died.) It is unlike anything I have ever experienced and it will never go away. I understand now that those people for whom I had admiration for their resilience were just doing what they had to do because they had no choice but to.

I will never say there was anything good in it. I kind of want to slap people when they say things like "oh look for the blessings in it.." Um, I don't know what blessing there was in watching my dad die of cancer for four years. Lessons learned, perhaps. Lessons like keep your mouth shut if you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

I haven't blogged for awhile. Just not really feeling it. But it is a record for my girls since I long ago stopped writing in their journals. So, I guess I will continue. I'll try to make some happy happy joy joy posts too if the urge strikes me.

May 18...Two Years Later

2011-05-18T19:07:00.001-07:00

As of today, it has been two years since is first met Birkely in person. Our Gotcha Day would not come for another month but this was a very important day anyway. Last year, I reflected on that day. This year, I think I will talk about Birkely now.

There are so many things I love about Birkely. Our mother/daughter ness has been an evolutionary process. Two years ago we were strangers. She had suffered great, recent loss. (I can now appreciate how incredibly difficult it must have been for her to simply put one foot in front of the other). She was described by our former adoption agency in country representative (and good friend) as being "the most fragile child they had ever worked with." Knowing what I know now about her story on top of the fact that no one around her spoke her language or tried to explain what was happening...I can see that fragility. She was fragile but so incredibly brave and strong. I wouldn't describe her as fragile now. But, I guess, on some level, everyone is.

Birkely has an amazing work ethic. Even after two years home, she still does anything I ask her to do without complaint. She works hard and does her best at everything she does. She doesn't always enjoy it and does tell me so. But she doesn't whine or moan or groan. She just digs in as does it the best she can.

She is smart. She is a good reader and likes math. Her favorite things to learn about are other cultures. I love this about her. It provides us with lots of experiential learning opportunites.

She is an athlete. When it comes to sports, she just has "it." It is fun to watch her play whatever she is playing.

She is kind. She has a heart for people and is concerned about those who are hurting or have been wronged.

She is open to new experiences and people.

She is resilient. She has been through so much. But she laughs and has fun and is able to feel joy.

I could go on and sometime I will but I want to get this posted on our actual anniversary.

Spring Sports

2011-05-17T10:05:00.000-07:00

Birkely plays a lot of sports. When she came home, I wanted her to have the opportunity to try whatever she wanted to try. She has tried lots of things and enjoys many of them. But, soccer is her love. This spring season has been the one where she has grown the most as a player. Her coach knows his stuff (which isn't always the case in youth rec sports). I love ot watch her play. Before this spring, the games still just kind of consisted of kids chasign after the ball and kicking it. This spring, the games have looked like actual soccer with plays and teamwork. Over the course of this season, she has developed her sense of what is going on all over the field. She knows where the ball is in relation to all the other players. She is able to sort of see how a play could work out and anticipate when to steal or shoot. She has really gotten the hang of timing on the field. It is exciting to watch. The season will end soon. We both will be disappointed but excited for the next one.

Brynly started her sports career this spring. She was going to play soccer. But my bro-in-law was coaching t-ball. As that I am one person and cannot be in two places at one time, t-ball it was. She has had a blast. I have to admit watching a t-ball game is somewhat akin to watching paint dry. But, it is fun to see her hit and run and even dance or play with her hat in the outfield.

Of course, dance continues throughout the spring working up to the end of the year recital. They are both working hard on all their numbers and lookign forward to strutting their stuff onstage. Then it will be on to swim team.

Birkely's Stories

2011-05-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

Birkely wanted to tell some of her stories tonight. Obviously my dad's death has brought to the surface her memories of her own dad's death. She has told me lots of her stories over the last almost two years, many of them about the time surrounding the death of her father. I understand her now in a way that I didn't before. It has made me marvel at her all the more. There are moments, hours, even days when I just don't know how to get through this time. I don't know how I will ever feel real happiness or joy ever again. It is so so hard. And then I look at her. She lost EVERYTHING. She lost her father to death. But she also lost the rest of her family, her language, her culture. She lost her father and then she lost the ground right out from under her feet. And yet she laughs. She smiles. Sure she grieves...sometimes from the very depth of her soul. But somehow this child has managed to find a way to go on. 'not sure how or if I'm going to be able to do the same.

Doing Our Thing

2011-04-28T17:31:00.000-07:00

A new drug for late stage prostate cancer was approved this week. It was one we had been waiting for as a next step. But, it was not to be.

Things are the same. I go to work and do my job. I ferry the kids to soccer games and tball practice and dance. I do what I have to do. I'm still just trying to figure it all out.

Birkely scored two goals at the soccer game tonight. Her first in U10. Brynly has opening day cermonies on Monday and her preschool graduation next month (even though she will be in Pre-K next year-it will be at a different place). My sister and I took Brynly and my nephew Kaden to see Barney today. We are doing our thing.

I thought I should blog since its been a while but I really don't have much to say.

Still Here

2011-04-10T17:47:00.000-07:00

I am still here. I guess that is a good thing. I don't feel much like blogging or Facebooking or doing a whole lot of anything. I am tired of people asking how I am doing. I appreciate their concern, but it is kind of like saying "how are you?" We say it a million times a day, only wanting a "fine" in return. We say it as an obligation of sorts. Same deal. I have no intention of saying how I really am doing and 9 times out of 10 the asker wouldn't really want to hear about it anyway.

There is very little that provides any distraction, let alone relief. Aside from my girls, the only thing that does is doing work for EAFS. I'm not sure how exactly to explain it but it is kind of like that work is so worthwhile, so important, that I feel like I have to do it no matter how crushed or sad I am. I can get my mind of myself for a bit while. So, I move throught my day, going through the motions of most things, finding no meaning in them other than the fact that they have to be accomplished. But, in between, I can squeeze in some EAFS stuff. Developing programs for people who have suffered more than I can imagine, even in the deepest of my own sorrow, maeks me feel like maybe through helping them I will feel a teeny, tiny bit better. It is a selfish motive...helping them to make me feel better. I hope they don't mind.

Who am I, anyway?

2011-04-02T18:26:00.000-07:00

I was recently reading an online journal of sorts of a family member who lost her husband. A few months after his death, she wrote that the pain doesn’t go away you just stop talking about it. I know the time is coming fast when people will just expect that I/we should be back to our “normal” selves. What they do not understand (what I did not understand before this ) was that that “normal” self has ceased to exist. I will smile and laugh again. I have smiled and laughed since March 22, but it isn’t real. I don’t know this person I am now. I don’t yet know the person I will become as a result of this. I am only beginning to face this forced transformation.

I am used to being busy. Many activities, one stacked on top of the other, many balls in the air, many irons in the fire. This has been the way of my life since my youth and, in turn, the way of my children’s lives.
Over the last several months, I have been feeling that we are too busy. There has been too little time to just be and just be together. My plan was that after the play I was directing was over, I would scale back for us a bit. I would be more available for helping with my dad. But time ran out before I could. I was so busy the last week of my father’s life that I missed out on time I didn’t know was so incredibly precious. Time with him that I will never get back… an awfully hard way to learn a lesson.

This is one of many things I am contemplating right now. One that will forever leave me with much guilt and regret.

People keep telling me that he is with me even though he is gone. I just don’t feel that. Maybe someday I will. I hope someday I will. Right now all I feel is the aching emptiness of his absence. All I see are the empty places he used to fill.

Sigh...

2011-03-28T19:07:00.001-07:00

Heartbreaking things my children have said this horrible week:

-Now two people in our house have daddies who died
-Brynly shouting, "Hi Pappaw" to the sky
-Will Pappaw find my Dad in Heaven?
-Now Mawzee have to be alone
-Birkely to Brynly, "We never gonna see him again. You understand when you be big like me"
-Will I still have Pappaw's birthday?
-Pappaw always say,"what channel do you want?" Now nobody gonna say that to me.
-Brynly saying over and over, "Pappaw died."
-I only got to know him a little while.
-I think all my tears gone but then more come

Much talk this past week was of the blessing in the end that my dad did not linger, did not have to go into a skilled care facility, did not have to be seen by his grandchildren in a hospital bed in the living room...I am most definately glad for all those things. But what about the blessing of not getting this cancer and experiencing a slow fade for four years? What about that blessing that he/we didn't get? In addition to a sadness I could not ever fathom before, I am angry. Why him? Why us? Why didn't he get to see his grandchildren grow up? Why didn't he and my mom get to spend their retirement years traveling and having fun? It's not fair and I am angry about it. I know that the human condition is inherently suffering. I also know that there is a higher power and there is much about existence that we will never understand. Too bad all of that knowledge does not help to diminish this sadness or anger one little bit.

Life goes on?

2011-03-26T10:46:00.001-07:00

Life goes on, I suppose. Some parts. Some parts of me just ended early last Tuesday morning. Some parts of me are gone, never to come back. I have to pick up these pieces and put them back together somehow for my kids and my mom even though there are moments when I just don't think I can.

I have never lost anyone this close to me. There are very few people who even are this close.

When my dad was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer 4 years ago, one thing I dreaded so much was the whole funeral home, funeral thing. I just couldn't imagine finding any comfort in that. In fact, I imagined it would just add to the horribleness. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I can't say there was much comfort in it as there is nothing really brings much comfort right now. It was nice to see the outpouring of love and respect for my dad. Now its over and those people will go back to their lives as I always do after paying respects when someone I know passes on. We can't go back to our lives. Those lives don't exist anymore.

I understand my daughter in a way I could not have a week ago. She has walked this road before and has emerged...not without scars but still able to find joy. I admire her strength and resilience and wish I was so strong and resilient. I'm just not sure I am. Time will march on and things will get done somehow. But it will not be the same. My spirit along with my heart is broken.

The Worst Day

2011-03-22T19:39:00.001-07:00

The world is different today than it was yesterday. My dad is no longer in it. I have lost my biggest fan, a confidant, a political discussion partner, my daddy...The greatest man to ever live lives no more. I just can't believe it. I miss him so much already. How can this be? I don't know how to live this life without him.

I am heartbroken. My daughter is devastated. My other daughter doesn't understand and may never realize ho wmuch she has lost. Nothing will ever be the same.

Throwing the Baby Out WIth the Bathwater

2011-03-10T10:22:00.000-08:00

I know this blog is visited by an interesting mix o'people. The adoption people will need no lead up info to this post. My friends, family and otheres may. If you are an adoption person, feel free to skip ahead. Or skip the whole thing because the topic incites riots, evidently.

International adoption in Ethiopia is in precarious spot right now. As seems to be the ebb and flow of all IA programs, Ethiopia is facing the problem of corruption in the system. It is inevitable when you mix the desperation of people who want to be parents, the desperation of a developing nation and lots of money. Some agencies are ethical and some aren't. Some orphanages are ethical and some aren't. Some care about children who need families and some care about the dollar signs on thier heads. In response to allegations of fraud and corruption, the governmental entity that issues letters of support for adoption cases (fyi-cases cannot be approved without this letter) have decided to drastically reduce the number of letters they will issue each day. By drastically, I mean going from 40 per day to 5. Doing the math means that it will take exponentially longer for adoptions to be finalized.

This has caused absolute hysteria in the adoption community. Information, rumor and armchair analysis is flying...from everywhere and everyone. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it all. I'm not sure I have enough valid information to really formulate an opinion yet. There are a few things I do know.

I know that people on message boards are looking to place blame and one target seems to be prospective adoptive parents currently in process. I just can't and won't pass judgement on waiting parents. They are not the villains. It is not fair for me to say that the the person who has chosen to adopt the elusive "healthy infant girl" is the problem when sleeping in the next room is my one time "healthy infant girl." And, quite likely, sleeping in the next room in their house is their one time "helthy infant girl." That is happening all over the boards, all over Facebook. Why are the people waiting now any different than those of us who were waiting three or four years ago? I adopted Brynly in what was a different time for Ethiopian adoption. My process was seven months from the day I mailed the application to the agency to the day I brought her home. This is unheard of today. The whole program and process is different. Have I evolved since then? Have I been educated since then? Yes. My second adoption was an older child adoption. Good for me. It doesn't change the fact that three and a half years ago, I was the ferenge being handed the Ethiopian baby girl in an orphanage in Addis. I wouldn't change that. I loved having that experience of mothering my baby girl. That experience led to my current educated and evolved self. I would never begrudge another mother or father that experience or judge them for wanting it. Ialso believe it should and can occur in an ethical manner.

I think it all boils down to the definition of corruption. It isn't a black or white defintion. There isn't a hard and fast set of criteria that can pronounce something 100% ethical. There are a lot of variables in this whole thing. Am I saying a child should be stolen form their Ethiopian family for the purpose of adoption by a wealthy Western family. Of. course. not. But, therein lies the problem. That is the extreme and, yes, it is unethical and criminal and just plain horrible. But these message boards are filled with people who have annointed themselves experts (I guess bc they read other fanatical views on the same boards) that have lumped every paperwork error and discrepency in with actual child trafficking.

I stand behind the US Embassy, the Ethiopian government and MOWA in their efforts to do something. I think their measure is extreme and I hope they rethink it or use a temporary slow down time to regroup. What infuriates me is that they were forced into it not only by unscrupulous adoption providers but also by living room experts who feel compelled to go on tirades. The entire Ethiopian program is becoming an example of a slippery slope fallacy. The governments of the US and Ethiopia are responding not only to valid concerns over corruption but also to all the people all over these boards that feed off the sensationalism and contribute to mass hysteria. I am not ignoring corruption with that statement. Any child trafficked for adoption is one too many. But it has developed into something beyond that. Everyone with an undotted i or uncrossed t is raising eyebrows and pointing fingers. That is easy to do when your child is with you, safe in your arms.

I believe in discussion. I believe in debate. I do not believe in closing eyes to obvious problems. I believe the program should evolve to better handle its increased numbers and minimize corruption, preferably to 0%. But, I think these message boards, created as a place to share information and learn, have completely lost their purpose. They have descended into madness. It is hard to find the people asking the hard but sincere questions amongst the people who are just pouring fuel on a fire. There are adoptive parents out there parenting trafficked or harvested children. Their voice is being lost in the hysterics. There are also adoptive parents parenting children who would, but for international adoption, be on the street, be living in a child headed household, who would be dead. Their voice is being lost in the hysterics. There are children with special needs who WILL be dead because of the directive MOWA felt it had to take. Their voice is being lost in the hysterics.

I'm not sure they realize the damage they are doing to an entire adoption program. I don't have the answers. I don't pretend to. But, it seems to me that the baby is being thrwon out with the bathwater.

Not Feelin' It

2011-03-03T18:04:00.000-08:00

Wow, I hadn't realized I hadn't posted in three weeks. I'm a slacker. Actually I am engulfed in work and directing a play at Birkely's school. I can usually keep everything completely straight in my head when I ahve a cast of even 50 or 60. But, with this cast of 130+, I feel like I am not doing so great a job. Add to that all the rest of the craziness in my life and...well...I forgot to blog.

I'm feeling spread pretty thin...like I am not doing justice to any of the things on my plate. Feeling kind of alone and adrift in this great big sea.

At least winter is almost over...

The Timeline

2011-02-10T17:59:00.000-08:00

Birkely has a homework assignment from school. They sent home a long piece of paper with ten boxes. They are to put photos or draw illustrations of ten important events in their lives that will eventually become part of a writing assignment. We sat down and she came up with ten. Her list of important events is not going to look like any of her classmates, I don't think. Birkely's list included events such as the death of her father, being taken to an orphanage and getting another mother.

The first event on her timeline is her birth, but it will not include a picture of her when she was born. No such photograph exists. I am not one of the adoptive moms who wigs out when "baby picture" assignments are given at school. We have no baby pictures of Birkely and we never ever will. Asking a teacher to not give an assignment will not change that. Anyway, Birkely did the first box tonight. She drew a baby on a bed in a room with grass walls and dirt floors.

This assignment will likeley give Birkely the opportunity to continue to work through the fact that she is not just like everyone else. I don't want her to feel like she has to be. She is learning to embrace every part of her. Some of those parts are a lot like her friends. She enjoys sports and dance and her itouch and Justin Bieber (ugh). There are other parts of her that are very, very different from her friends. I don't ever want her to feel that she has to hide those parts or somehow reject them to fit in. This assignment will help her test those skills, I hope.

Learning Birkely Take Two

2011-02-08T17:27:00.000-08:00

Many months ago I did a post about what I had learned about Birkely. I think we had only been together five or six months at that time. Well, we are now nearing 20 months together, so I thought it was time to do a follow up.

I can not even express how lucky I am to have this child as my daughter. I really got off easy in so many ways. No attachment issues, no defiance, no significant behavior issues, no food or sleep or health issues...Now this is not to say that we haven't had our moments or that that there haven't been adjustment periods and growing pains, or that she has not grieved the life she lost. That's the rub in international adoption. I gained so much and she lost so much in the deal.

During her first months here, she shared very little. Partly becasue she couldn't due to language and partly because she just wasn't ready. After a while, she began to tell me some stories. Then after our New Year's 2010 visit from our friend Emebet (who was the Ethiopian lawyer who handled Birkely's adoption), the floodgates opened. She would talk for hours at a time telling stories of her life in Ethiopia. Some were happy stories, some were sad but one thing was clear. She loved and was loved by her family in Ethiopia. She missed (misses) them terribly and she grieves for them and the life she had there. She probably always will to some extent. But she is resilient. It is one of the things I admire about her. She laughs easily. She finds joy and truly feels it.

Birkely is proud of being Ethiopian. She identifies as Ethiopian and enjoys the connections I have owrked hard to maintain and foster. She looks forward to going back and to helping her country as she gets older. She totally gets that she is of two worlds.

Birkely is strong. Physically STRONG. When a jar needs to be opened or something needs to be lifted, she is your girl. She is very kinesthetically aware and picks up physcial activites quickly. She loves sports especially soccer and basketball. She is also becoming an awesome dancer.

Birkely is kind. She cares about people and how they feel. She is smart. In a year and half of school, she has managed to go from way behind square one to working on level. She never complains about doing homework. Rarely do I even have to remind her. She just does it. She has a great work ethic in general. She will do anything asked without a fight. She is happy to contribute and thrives on having responsibility. She is a great big sister to a sometimes challenging little sister.

She is a child, though, and there are things we are working on. Birkely sometimes has very little "filter." I used to call her Sophia (from The Golden Girls) because she would just say whatever popped into her head. She sometimes has trouble knowing what behavior to model. She is still quite impressionable and I try hard to make sure those models are good ones. She sometimes doesn't know what to do or how to just "be" around other people. She rarely ever gets in trouble at home. It is when we go out with others or whatever that she sometimes has trouble. I'm not exactly sure how to fix that one, so we just talk about it. Some day it will click.

So, it's a year and a half later and I can now confidently say that Birkely is my daughter and I am her mother. I understand her because she is so like me in so many ways. I cannot imagine a better fit.

EXCITING!!!!!!!

2011-02-01T07:37:00.000-08:00

We at Ethio-American Family Services have been dreaming about and planning this for a long time. We are so excited to announce our 2012 FAMILY Volunteer Experience.

This trip differs from other "mission" trips in a couple of important ways:

1) Children are welcome!!! Many trips do not allow children. this trip is built for families, children included. Parents and children will work together to make a real impact. Lots of fun and meaningful activities are planned for travelers and the kids of The Miskaye Children's Home and Read and Feed Learning Center. Fixing up buildings, planting gardens, holding babies, doing crafts, teaching English, learning Amharic, dancing , singing... It will truly be a time of memory making for families.

2) It is not a religiously based trip. EAFS is not a religious organization and we realize that there are non Christians in the world who also have a humanitarian heart. Sure, lots of the people going will be people of faith (many faiths) but the trip itself will not be steeped in religious doctrine.

I am so very excited aboutthis trip and the good we all can do together. To learn more, visit the EAFS website. :)

Sunday Morning Clean Up

2011-01-23T19:37:00.000-08:00

Sunday mornings are cleaning time in our house. We do some straightening up and deal with spills or whatever throughout the week, but by Sunday, the old homestead is in need of a spruce up. It is a team effort. Brynly and Birkely each have their "jobs" that they do everytime and then also whatever else I assign. These are not little throw away, "make 'em think they are helping but they are really not" things. They each do tasks that are necessary. Birkely's standards are the dishes, sweeping the kitchedn floor, takign out the trash and bathroom sink. Brynly handles getting all the dirty clothes to the laundry room, picking up the play room, helping me vacuum and the toilet. For the record, she requested the toilet job and does a good job.:) Together, we usually get it all done in about an hour.

I love that they are enthusiastic about our cleaning time. Brynly is not the fastes and does need soem direction to stay on task, but she doesn't complain about doing her jobs. Birkely, truly, is a better housekeeper than I am. She enjoys makign a contribution. She had a lot of responsibilites in Ethiopia. A LOT. She felt empowered by being trusted to do things. She really has a great work ethic. She will do anythign asked of her and do it well. I am sure this was developed in her long before she became my daughter but I aim to help her keep it. It is an attribute that will serve her well as she goes through life.

Now I'm Cookin'

2011-01-19T08:34:00.000-08:00

I made sambusa the other day. Let me repeat that, I made sambusa the other day. If you know much about about me, you know that I am not a cook. I'm not good at it. I don't like to do it. It's not even something that I wanted to learn. But I have to. It is a big part of the commitment to health and wellness I am making for our family. We have never really eaten much fast food. B an dB have had fast food probably less than ten times in their lives. I have always stressed fruits and veggies. But, still, if I can't cook, then I am not gonn abe able to truly pull this off. So, I learn. I have several people with skills that have given me pointers. Shout out to Diann and Sheila and Fran and Libby and Laurie and Gloria. I have set out to just knuckle down and learn how to do it.

As with anything, success brings motivation.

I got a crockpot for Christmas and have had some success with it in the form of an oniony chicken thing and a chicken and biscuit thing. So, that's good. I have successfully made broccoli casserole a couple of times over the last couple of weeks. Black beans and rice...the repertoire is growing.

Ethiopian food isn't that easy to make and it is time consuming. I can make misir wat and shiro and dabo kolo and now, sambusa. :) Although not as delectable as the yummy fried ysega and lentil sambusa at my fav ET restaurant, Tana, mine was pretty good. Birkely loved it and Brynly almost tried it.

So, I will continue to plug along. If anyone out there has any picky kid (and mom) friendly, fairly healthy, EASY recipes, leave it in a comment. I'm game to give it a try.

MLK Day, the Hard Questions

2011-01-17T18:28:00.000-08:00

MLK Day today. This week has brought some interesting and hard questions from Birkely.

Last week, she asked me if some white people didn't like black people. I didn't know the motivation at that point and wondered if someone had said something to her. She tends to tell me things in bits, sort of working things out as she goes. She wouldn't elaborate as to where the question came from. I answered honestly. Yes, some people don't like other people based on nothing more than the color of their skin, their religion, the people they love, their political affiliation. What a sad thing it was for me to have to confirm that fact for her. Our conversation continued and concluded by talking about how we cannot control others, only our own thoughts and actions and how we try hard not to judge people based on those things. Later in the week, I learned the motivation for the question was the movie about MLK she was watching in school. More questions about black people not being welcome in certain places, having to sit in the back of the bus...We had a talk about how shameful a time that was when things were like that and that it was a long time ago. And about what a good, brave man MLK was to stand up for what was right.

I know this is just the beginning of the hard questions. And I know that some of the answers are not the ones I want to give although they are the truth. It is just the beginning of my black children figuring out who they are and where they fit into this big world.

Genna

2011-01-15T18:16:00.000-08:00

Since Brynly came home, we have celebrate Genna (Ethiopian Christmas) in one way or another. For the last two years, we have headed over to Diann and Jacinda's to make merry. Here are some pics of this year's celebration.

Just Call Me Betty Crocker

2011-01-05T18:17:00.000-08:00

I don't like to make "resolutions." But, I have identified a few things I want to focus on this year and beyond. I talked about some of them in a post a little while ago. I don't know how to link to a previous post and don't want to figure it out right now.

Anyhoo, one was to contribute to my (and my girls') health a wellness by eating better. This means I have to cook even though I really don't enjoy cooking one bit. I got a crock pot for Christmas. I kinda dig it. I am spending this week (my last week off) practicing some dishes so that I can build up a little repertoire. So far this week has been pretty successful. Monday was black beans and brown rice. Yummy. Tuesday was my maiden voyage with the crock pot. Creamed(ish) chicken and biscuits. Yummy. Today, I whipped up a broccoli casserole. Yummy even though it was a little heavy on the onions.

This is something I have needed to do for a long time. It is hard to eat healthily when you can't/don't cook. We don't eat fast food but we were still eating crap. Birkely is a wonderful eater and likes healthy foods. She is psyched about this new endeavor. When I get a handle on some of the dishes, I will let her help. Brynly, on the other hand, is a terrible eater. Her spectrum of foods is very limited. I am hoping she will man up and start being a little more adventurous with what she will try.

So far so good on this goal. Oh and I have also gotten my lazy rear end to the gym everyday this week too.

Four Years Old...How did that Happen?

2010-12-29T18:58:00.001-08:00

Winding down off of Christmas. It just goes on for too long. As soon as Christmas Day is over, I want everything Christmas out. Brynly's birthday comes right on the heels of Christmas-January 2. So, thoughts have now turned to her birthday party. She has chosen a Dora theme. Okay, sure. I am going to make her cake this year. I am not Cake Boss by any stretch of the imagination but it will be cheaper and Brynly thinks it is cool that I am going to do it. Presents are wrapped and ready.

She will be 4. How did that happen? I really can no longer relate to a time without Brynly in my life, but it seems I blinked and now she is 4. I love that she is 4 and getting better at going places and doing things and such. But still...where did the time go?

Being Brynly's mom is a big job. It can be mentally exhausting. She requires constant engagement. It is a challenge bc I am not a person who wants to be constantly engaged. She has stretched me in ways I couldn't have imagined a few years ago. I am a better person because of her. She is such a force to be reckoned with. Even though she is just (almost) 4, she just seems to know herself. She knows what she wants, what she can do...She is one of those people that other people just gravitate toward. Magnetic. Now, that is wonderful, but could spell big trouble. So, I work hard to help her learn to use her powers for good rather than evil. :)

The last four years have not been the best in my family's lives. It was in January of 2007 that my dad was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. It was the start of treatments, setbacks and some really dark times. But January 2007 was also when I decided to proceed with a wish I had had for a long time-to adopt. January 2007 was also when a tiny baby in Ethiopia was born. The adoption process and Brynly's arrival here provided some light in those dark times and still does. She certainly lives up to her name. Names are very important in Ethiopia and whoever gave her the name Birhan, which means "light", really nailed it.

I sometimes think about her all alone in that orphanage. Sure, there were other babies stacked up in her crib and nannies there. But,it's not the same. I think about her mother and family in Ethiopia and how they must miss her...if they are still alive. I think about how her life might have been if fate hadn't played out as it did. I think about all she lost in that deal in addition to all I/we gained.

Melkem Lidat, Brynny Winny Coco Puff. Ewedeshalo.

Christmas Morn

2010-12-27T06:17:00.000-08:00

Still not feeling great about the amount of stuff. It is what it is. I did try to get them useful things for the most part. But there are still things, I am sure, that will be played with for a few days and then just take up space. In any case, the ladies had a lovely Christmas. Mommy is very glad it is over.

Prelude to Christmas

2010-12-24T19:40:00.000-08:00

The children are nestled all snug in their beds...Santa's work is done...

Christmas Eve has always been a favorite day of mine, even more than Christmas Day. As a kid, I always looked forward to the big family gathering and opening that one present from a favorite, but eccentric aunt. And, the anticipation of what the next morning would bring was more exciting than actually getting the presents, I think. Those were simpler times...But, I still love Christmas Eve. We did our big gathering yesterday and just our immediate familtonight. That was a good change this year. It made tonight not quite so late. The ladies went to bed at a reasonable time and I was able to do my business with some evening left to spare.

B and B and I had a pretty chill day. I made pancakes for breakfast. We cleaned the house to prepare for Santa. They played. We went out for pizza. Brynlytook a nap andthen we headed to my parents.

Although tomorrow will be fun, Christmas Eve still rocks.

Why Doesn't Santa go to Ethiopia?

2010-12-21T17:13:00.000-08:00

I have really stuggled with Santa this year. I did last year too, but moreso this year. Birkely believes but she is also a very analytical and questioning person. She likes to knwo the logisitcs of things and Santa is no different. This has brought on some hard questions with roots in even deeper questions. She has asked the standard questions like "how does he get everywhere in one night?" "How will he get in the house?" etc. But she also asks question that American born kids don't. Such as, "why doesn't Santa go to Ethiopia?" Hmmm....

I want her to believe and have that magical, childhood experience. But, I know at some level she wonders where in the heck Santa was when she needed things like food and clean water. Why would he be farting around over here bringing toys to an already spolied country's children? Why won't he take presents to her brothers and sisters?

So, I answered (clumsily) by saying that not every faith "does" Santa. She ha a Jewish classmate whose mom had come into the class to talk about Hannakkuh, so I had a little frame of reference there. We have often talked about the fact that different people believe different things about God and that, I believe, that no one is really all right and no one is really all wrong. She knows that some faiths don't believe in God, so I guess she reconciled that Santa was sort of the same.

On Christmas morning, she will be excited to see her gifts and will be happy that Santa had visited. But, as with most things in her life, it will remain a deeper and more complicated mystery than for most.

Another Year Over...

2010-12-17T07:35:00.000-08:00

So another year is soon to come to end. 2010 has had its ups and downs for sure but I am going to choose to focus on the good that has come in the past 12 months and relfect a bit on that. Let's start with Ethiopia. :)

My proudest accomplishments (beyond those having to do with Birkely and Brynly) have to do with Ethio-American Family Services and Miskaye. I was a small part of soem really good things that happened this year. The first pictures are of our Read and Feed Program. 17 children are a part of the program These are children who live in poverty I can't even begin to describe to you...many of them live on the street, some with family or neighbors (bc their own parents have died), a few with their parents...all of them experienced stinging hunger every single day, many had to beg for anything at all to eat...definately no thought of school or a future... Anyway, they were poor in a way NO ONE here can imagine. these 17 kids now get to go to school everyday. They get to eat everyday. They are starting to imagine a life for themselves beyond "will I eat today." We have had some really generous support to help us get this project off the ground. Monthly sponorships and donations have provided a great start. As you can see, the kids were very excited about thier uniforms and shoes. These are the first peices of new clothing they ever received. Much still has to be done and I hope you will find yourself moved to help.

The picture of the two kids above is of the son of the guy who did our site visit this year. Shout out to Travis and Carter! He is standing by one of the kids his family sponsors via our Educational Sponsorship Program. Her name is Mekdelawit. She is nine and has been in school for about a year. She along with the other kids in this program are getting the education they need and deservethanks to their sponsor families. We have had four sponsor families actually get to meet thier sponsored child on trips to Ethiopia. I can't even tell you what that means to these kids, not to mention the sponsor families. I can't wait to meet my sponsored child. :)

And then, of course, there is the Children's Home. Our staff in Ethiopia is wonderful, amazing, loving, kind...I could go on and on. Over the course of this past year, over a dozen kids have gone on to their new families in the USA and Italy. I love hearing updates from their new families about what they are doing and how they are growing. In some little way, they are all like my own kids. Happy Holidays to Wutet, Marta, Almaz, Birtukan, Elias, Mintesinot, Yabsira, Fitsum, Besufekad, Helina, Rodas, Bereket, Leul, Yacob, Karmel, Lidya and LemLem!

I am looking forward to seeing what this new year brings for all of us invloved both her and there. If you want to join in on the fun, visit our website.

Winds of Change

2010-12-09T18:08:00.000-08:00

A couple of months ago, I turned 39. It was not a traumatic birthday. Earlier this year, I actually thought I was turning 40 and was taliking about a party. My mom pointed out I was only going to be 39. Oh, okay. I sometimes forget how old I am (a gift from Ethiopian culture, btw). Anyhoo, I am, indeed, 39. In less than a year, the birthday that brings some to their knees will be upon me. I don't fear it. I don't think much of it as a number at all. What I feel, though, are the winds of change. There are cycles, seasons of life. There have been times in my life that I have been rocked by change. Sometimes exciting, sometimes painful, sometimes welcome, sometimes not...it came. I feel those winds blowing again. They may not kick up real good this year or next, or the next but I see 'em out there on the horizon.

In the past, changes often came in an explosion like form. I had little control other than gathering the pieces after the blast and putting them together into some sensical form. This time, I am more reflective. I am thinking about the changes I want to make myself, the ones I can control to some extent. I was talking to my colleague at work and he shared with me some pictures of his "vision board." This conversation made me think that I also wanted to make a visual representation of these changes I want to see come to pass in my life and the lives of my children. I don't know that I buy the idea of The Secret and all of that. But I do believe that having a visual representation puts goals more solidly in the mind and conscious. So, I have been thinking about these changes and what will make it onto my board. I don't want to share them all, but here are some that I have been thinking of.

Financial Freedom- It has been no secret that I am in a hole financially due to adoption debt and just plain ol' irresponisble spending. After looking at my numbers, I know that I can be out of debt (other than my house and a small student loan) in about two and a half to three years if I work at it dilligently. So many of my other goals hinge on getting this one in the bag.

Fitness and Health- I have no need to be skinny or super buff. I just want to be fit. I want to be strong and energetic. I want to contribute to my own health and wellness in this way. I want to set an example of healthy lifestyle choices in terms of nutrition and exercise for my girls.

Travel- I love travel and need to do it more. I want to share that wanderlust with my two favorite people in the world. They must know (and I must sometimes be reminded) that there is a world outside our window. There are riches in the world that have nothing to do with money. With them, I want to experience new places and people and philosophies. I want them to be open to different ways and beliefs and know that there isn't always right and wrong, that different can be, and so often is, good.

Spirituality- I don't think I can ever reach self-actualization until I get a better handle on my own spirituality. I am a questioner by nature. My entire life I have been at odds with Christianity. I do think that I believe in God, but I also find a lot of value in what I have read in other world religions. I am fairly certain I will never label myself in terms of any religion because the one thing I am quite sure of is that I don't particularly care for organized religion of any kind. I likely won't share much of this part of my examination as I don't want to be preached to, condemned, advised, etc. So, unless you, yourself, are God, please do not leave judgemental comments on this one.

Creativity-I sometimes feel like a part of my brain is atrophying because I don't have much occasion to be creative like I used to. the creativity I fit in now may well be much different than it once was, but I have to sneak it in there somewhere.

Ethiopia-I want to strengthen our connection. Sometimes I can feel the need to be there deep inside my gut. There is more I am supposed to be doing there.

...I am sure there are more. I will try to do some updates along the line as I ride this coming wave. That is enough for now.

More Ponderings on Stuff

2010-12-07T17:15:00.001-08:00

I have been thinking a lot in this season about excess.

Don't get me wrong, I like the magic of Christmas as much as the next guy. I love to see my girls' faces when they see that Santa has come and brought them stuff. That is part of what it is here. That is okay. But there is a line. There is a limit. There has to be. My girls don't ask for tons of stuff. I hope, at least in part, the reason for that is the talks we have had about "stuff" and its lack of importance in the grand scheme of things.

The two little girls in my house will wake up Christmas morning to too much that is for sure. But I will do my best to temper that with a vision of life and the world beyond itouches and baby dolls and clothes.

A Miracle!

2010-12-03T18:47:00.000-08:00

This is not a review or endorsement blog, but I feel compelled to share a miracle product with you. Let me set this up with some back story.

Brynly has always been a good sleeper. From the time she came home, she laid in her bed and went to sleep easily with no need for stories, rocking, etc. Even when she was a baby, she only was up once a night for a bottle. Ten minutes and were both back to snoozing. Now, she goes to bed without complaint and falls asleep within a few minutes. The problem is the fact that she is apparently part rooster. No matter what time she goes to bed, she is up before dawn. It is not so bad on school days but geez, I had not slept past 6:15 in almost three years.

UNTIL...UNTIL...I GOT THIS CLOCK. It was my top priority Christmas present from my parents. Luckliy they gave it to me early. The concept is simple. YOu set it like an alarm clock. The face glows blue when the child is to be sleeping and changes to yellow when they can get up.

THIS CLOCK HAS CHANGED MY LIFE. Brynly now knows that when she wakes up and the thing is blue, she is to go back to sleep. There have been a few mornings when I had to go wake her up at 7:00, even 7:15. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A miracle, I tell you. A miracle!

Brynly's Gotcha Day Video 2010

2010-11-21T18:55:00.000-08:00

Gotcha

2010-11-20T19:34:00.000-08:00

I was too busy to post yesterday. I was cooking wats for the Gotcha Day party. (Those who kno wme and my complete lack of cooking skill can stop laughing).

Anyway, in this post from two years ago I told the tale of Gotcha Day.

Tonight we had a lovely celebration with friends and family to celebrate our three years together. I'll get the Gotcha video posted soon. Until then, feel free to read the old post for the run down of one of the best days ever. :)

November 18, 2007

2010-11-18T06:36:00.000-08:00

And so my very first Ethiopian odyssey began...

Late in the evening of November 18, 2007, we landed at Bole Airport. I am not sure what I expected in my ignorance but the airport in Addis Ababa is quite modern and beautiful. We made our way through customs, exchanged some money and collected our bags. This would be the first time I met Emebet. She had left a wedding to come and greet us and see us to our guesthouse. It was very comforting to have her there with us in those first minutes. We didn't really know her yet. (We certainly couldn't have imagined what we woul dall accompish together)But, it was just good to have that little bit of familiarity there. We piled in a van and headed out. I enjoy just kind of riding around in new cities to kind of get the feel of it. It was dark so I couldn't see much...enough to know it was definately a different world. We arrived at the guesthouse and were greeted by our host. This was not one of the hotelish guesthouses that are now abundant in Addis. It was someone's house. Homes in Ethiopia are usually "compound" like. Behind a gate are at least two seperate houses. Our host family lived in one and rented the other to travelers. I have to admit, this might not be the way to go your first time traveling there. It did feel a little confining. At that point, I did wish we were statying at the Hilton across town. Anyway, we put our stuff in our rooms and gathered in the living area to meet with Emebet about what the days ahead would bring. She gave us the papers we needed to complete for the embassy and we just chatted for awhile. Plans were made for her to pick us up early the next morning. Our host, Yelemwork, helped us call home to check in and then we were ready to head to bed. My room was at the back of the house. It has a twin bed, a crib and a wardrobe. It was cold. Yep, guess what, it was cold in Africa. But I was so tired, it didn't matter. I was out.

November 17, 2007

2010-11-17T06:18:00.000-08:00

Three years ago today...

I headed to Dulles to begin the journey to Birhan. I waited a thousand years for the Ethiopian Airlines counter to open. I weighed my baggage and shifted some stuff. Checked again to make sure I had diapers, formula, clothes...all those baby things I had never really used before. :) During that wait, I met a lovely Ethiopian family who was heading home after a visit with their daughter who was going to school in DC. Talking to them relieved a lot fears. They were kind and friendly and happy to look at pictures of the baby I was going there to adopt. Checked in, did the security thing and sat down at the gate. Not long after, my traveling companions, Dedra and Tia arrived on their connection. We waited some more and, finally, it was time to board. The flight was wicked long. (still don't love that flight)

A million years later, we arrived in Addis Ababa...

Gotcha Week

2010-11-15T18:42:00.000-08:00

Lots o' looking back and reflecting this week as I remember the week that cahnged my life forever.

So, three years ago today, it was a few days before my leaving to go get little baby Birhan. I remember making last minute arrangements and trying to envision what I was about to do. I had never traveled to a developing nation. I had never met in person the people I was traveling with.I had never been a mom. Lots and lots of new experiences for sure. I was scared but super excited to finally go and get her. One of the many valuable lessons I learned in this lead up time was that change and leaving the comfort zone now and then are good for the soul.

Stay tuned.

15 Random Aimee Things

2010-11-05T06:32:00.000-07:00

I have seen this on a few blogs lately and they have been fun to read, so I am hopping on the "15 Random Things About Me" bandwagon.

1. My favorite color is red.
2. I HATE winter with the white hot passion of a thousand suns.
3. One of my pet peeves is the incorrect use of the apostrophe.
4. I really don't think spelling is all that important.
5. I would love to travel to Greece.
6. I once smacked my face off a diving board mid back flip (but did not lose any teeth).
7. My secret dream would be to run an arts based school in Ethiopia
8. In college, I rewrote a bunch of songs and drew pictures of mummies singing them in a series entitled, "Death is a Cabaret"
9. My favorite song is Paper Moon
10. I don't believe in organized religion.
11. I am a nerd who enjoys quantitative research.
12. I have had my dog Rudi for my entire adult life.
13. I no longer really consider myself a "theatre person"...and that makes me a little sad.
14. I am in the movie Inspector Gadget
15. Over the course of my one year in the high school band, I played flute, tenor sax, trombone and tuba.

November

2010-11-04T17:37:00.000-07:00

I love November. It was in November that I traveled halfway across the world to bring home my sweet baby Birhan. It was in November that I took a gigantic leap of faith and embarked on adoption #2. So now, November is when I get to reflect on those wonderful events.

Three years ago, Brynly and I had passed court and I was waiting, waiting, waiting for my embassy date. I was making last minute preparations, booking flights, changing flights... I was excited and nervous. I had never been a mother before and didn't know a whole lot about babies in general. I was preparing to travel to a developing country. I had no idea what that would be like. It was a time of living every minute out of the comfort zone. I remember sometimes in the evening I would go into Brynly's room and looking at her things and wondering what my life was going to be like when there was an actual child in that crib, wearing those clothes.

Two years ago in November, Brynly and I were preparing to celebrate our Gotcha Day. We had a groove, a rhythm. Then, I found out that single parent adoptions in ethiopia were in jeopardy and it may be now or never for me to adopt again. I went for it. I was excited but had my concerns. Was I ready to have two kids? Was it right for Brynly to add another child so soon? Lots of questions swirling around.

One year ago in November, Brynly, Birkely and I were a family of three. We had weathered the storm and come out a nice little family unit. I was broke. I was in no financial shape to adopt again when I did. It was a hard, lean time. But I was rich in other ways and I knew it.

This November, I am happy with where we are as a family. There is deep and genuine love in our home. I look forward to what future Novembers may bring for us.

Ongoing Adjustment

2010-11-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

I just want to say that Birkely amazes me. Well both of my kids do for various reasons but this post happens to be about Birkely, the elder. We are about 15 months into our lives together. 15 months isn't that long really. Just a little over a year ago, her life was so very different. Please note that by "different" I do not mean "bad." She was living her life. She had good times and bad. And then, suddenly, she was living a very different life. First a life in an orphanage for a few months and then coming here to this new life. How scary those transition times must have been. In both situations, she did not speak the language. She came from a part of Ethiopia to another where the language spoken was different. She was with people that she didn't know, going somewhere she didn't know. She had no idea whther or not she would be safe or fed... She was old enough to know, to understand. But no one bothered to tell her what was happening. Then she came here. Everything was new and strange. There was no one she could even really talk to about anything becasue she didn't have a language. I can't even fathom how incredibly scared and alone she must have felt. I tried to be a support for her in those early days. I have to admit, I think I fell short a lot of the time.

But, somehow, this child emerged from it all. She is not without scars. She is not without grief. But she deals. She has her moments and we work through them. Sometimes with words and sometimes not. I am so happy that she feels free to talk about her family. She feels free to miss them and love them. She feels free to express strong feelings about how very unfair this whole thing is.

Over the last 15 months there have been various milestones and turning points. These past few weeks have been one such time. A week or so ago, I had to go away for a couple of days with the debate team I coach at school. It wasn't my first time away from her but it had been awhile. I talked to the girls about my leaving...where they would be and what they would be doing and where I would be and when I would be back. I think, for the first time, Birkely realized she would miss me. Really, truly miss me. She realized, I think, that she loved me. It's not that she disliked me before or anything, but this older child adoption thing is a process. Love is not instantaneous. I think it just kind of hit her.

This realization brought up yet another level to work through on this journey. She loves me. She loves people here and her life here. But, she loves them. She loves Ethipia and she misses her family and friends terribly. She has to go through this process now of working that out. She has to work out that loving us and here is not a betrayal of them and there. She has to work through the guilt of having so much when she fully understands that her siblings and friends have so little. It is my job to help her do that. The things that have helped her in the past are: 1)Talking about her life in Ethiopia. She loves telling stories about the things she did and the people she knew. 2) Eating Ethiopian food. Injera, etc. are comfort foods for her. I was sorry we didn't make it to our gathering this month because it would have been so good for her right now. But, there was too much on the docket. So, I am going to order some injera and try out a miser wat recipe I found. 3)Helping with EAFS projects. She has recently started to want to help with some of the things EAFS is working on. Although it is not directly helping her family, it is nonetheless empowering to her. 4)Planning for that someday when we go back. She wants to know detail type things such as how many planes will we ride to get there? Will we stay where we satyed on her Gotcha Trip? Will we have a translator? Will she get to see Emebet and Tenaye and Abrham?

I can't imagine dealing with all the things she deals with on a daily basis in addition to school and her activities. And she is a happy kid. In spite of it all, she is happy. That is very Ethiopian, really. that was one of my strongest impressions I had when I was there. In spite of all the hard things about their lives, they are happy.

I share all of this as a record of our lives but also because it may be of help to those on the same path. I have read other blogs and talked to other adoptive families who have been confronted with people telling them they talk about Ethiopia too much. I have even encountered adoptive families who never really even refer to their child's home country. Maybe that works for them (although I really doubt it is what is best in th elong run) It is what we need in our family. It is what helps Birkely feel a continuing connection to the family she loves. It is what helps develop a connection for Brynly. I hope it will be what saves them from some identity issues as they grow up. I have found that the more connections we have to Ethiopia, the freer Birkely feels to embrace her life here.

Help Bring a Child Home

2010-10-31T14:39:00.001-07:00

There is a little girl at Miskaye. She is 7 years old. She has lost her mother to AIDS. Her father is HIV+ and not well. She is HIV+. Her dad brought her to Miskaye hoping to save her life. She is now getting the medication she needs. She is eating everyday. She is going to school. But she needs a family. She really, really needs a family. And one has stepped forward. They have fallen in love with this child via stories from those who have met her and photographs. They want her to be a part of their family. This is a great family who is in the process of adopting two HIV+ boys. They want to add this little girl to the process and bring her home too. They are in a financial and time crunch. Note- they have the dough to raise the kids,just not all the dough for this part of the process. Adoption is expensive-way more expensive than it should be.

Anyway, they are doing an itouch giveaway to try to raise the funds to bring this awesome little girl home. Give a little or a lot and be entered to win this great prize. And/or post on your blog or FAcebook page to help spread the word.

Check it out here.

Bravo

2010-10-29T17:44:00.000-07:00

I really like both my kids' schools. Well Brynly's is a daycare, but that is kind of beside the point. Neither is perfect. Such a thing doesn't exist. But I am very happy with where they spend a big chunk of their weekdays. I was reminded of this twice today, once at each girl's school.

Today was the day of the annual Halloween parties. Brynly's party was in the morning, so I headed over there to get her wig on and walk around the neighborhood with them for trick or treat. While we were waiting tohead out I noticed that there was a display of Africa on the wall with a map, pictures of African animals, etc. The teacher told me that they were learning about Africa and Brynly got to show everyone where Ethiopia is and that they all talked about how that is where she is from... They chose Africa for their unit bc Brynly talks about "Opia" a lot at school. I love that. I love that they would focus on that and open the discussion with her class. Brynly is very proud of her "Opia"ness and I am sure she was thrilled ot be the spotlight of the lesson. I also love that these kids in the class have had this discussion open at such a young age.

Then, later was Birkely's school's Halloween Costume Parade. The parade opened with the administration of the school all dressed as Wizard of Oz characters skipping down the road. I love that. I love that they would dress up and really get into the spirit of the day.

So, although sometimes I may have my issues with how things play out at school (this is unavoidable bc I have issues with educational systems in general), I am so glad they are where they are.

Happy Birthday to Me

2010-10-26T17:20:00.000-07:00

Today is my 39th birthday. In one year I will bid adieu to my thirties. Hard to believe. Age doesn't bother me anymore. It used to. Turning 30 threw me for a loop. But that seems like it was a hundred years ago. It was a lifetime ago in so many ways. My mindframe is completely different now. Age really is just a number. But the big 4-0 is definately a milestone and there are some things I want to accomplish before I reach it.

I want to be fit. I've been fat, then I wasn't. Now, it appears I am again. I have to lose this weight again. Dang. Actually, I don't really care about the number on the scale or being skinny. I just want to feel like I felt when I was fit. I remember having lots of energy and verve. So, that is my goal. I want to improve my fitness and nutrition level this year. I don't really need ot learn how. I know how. I just have to do it.

I want to be solvent. I went into mega debt over the course of my last adoption. I don't regret it. I wouldn't have Birkely if I hadn't gone into debt. But the time has come to pay the piper. Actually, I have slowly been digging myself out. But I really want to be in a much better financial position by next year. There is much I want to do with my girls and I can't with this chain of debt around my ankles.

I want to do more for Ethio-American Family Services. There have been some backburner projects that I really want to get accomplished. More grant writing, project development, etc. Other than my family and such, this is what I care most about now and I want to be sure I am giving all that I can.

I am sure there are more. I will share as they gel in my head.

Leavin' on a Jet Plane

2010-10-21T17:46:00.000-07:00

I am off to Boston tomorrow for a debate trip. I don't really want to go. I used to look forward to these trips for the respite they provided. Even though it is work, they were a getaway of sorts. I don't feel like that anymore. I don't like to leave my girls. They will be fine. They will be well taken care of and have fun. And it's only for two days. But, anymore I miss 'em and I don't want to leave 'em. I want us to go places together. Don't get me wrong, we all still need breaks from each other and I still need and value my alone time in the evening. But, I am not in the state of overwhelm anymore. I don't feel that need to have a getaway. We have our groove and I enjoy just hanging out with them.

So, I will go and do my thing. But I will be so happy to get back on Sunday and cheer for Birkely at her soccer game and answer Brynly's ten thousand questions and read Llama Llama Red Pajama for the millionth time. :)

Pumpkin Patch Fun

2010-10-16T17:37:00.000-07:00

What a great day we had today. We headed up to Kids Day at the Farm at a local farmy/pumpkin patchy place. The weather was very fallish-cool but sunny and bright. We met up with some friends who are also a fellow Ethio-blended family. They also have an adorable little chapina from Guatemala so they are actually Ethio-Guata-blended.

Anyway, the kids had a great time. Climbing on haystacks, jumping in bouncy houses, face painting, a gem hunt, corn maze, pumpkin picking and a hayride comprised the afternoon. They also had some old school style seesaws and a merry go round which were big hits. It was great to be out in the sunshine and for the girls to get to run around and play. What was even better was to hang out with some folks who have so much in common with us. Birkely and their oldest daughter are about the same age and were both adopted at about the same age. They share some similiar experiences and struggles. I hope, as time goes by, they can become close enough to share some of thier stories with each other. I think it will happen and I think it will be very valuable and comforting for them both. They certainly had fun together today.

I love these kinds of days. These are the kinds of experiences that I remember having as a kid and I love being able to create those memories with B and B.

Happy Courtdateaversary!

2010-10-11T06:18:00.000-07:00

Happy CourtDateAversary to Brynly and me!

Three years ago, I had no idea how the whole thing would shake out. I was the first one through for my agency so there was no one to ask about the protocol. I remember not knowing when I would hear about court. Although I hoped to, I didn't totlaly expect to hear anything on October 11, 2007. But, when I got to work and checked my email-there is was. The subject line was CONGRATULATIONS so I knew right away. The agency had forwarded the email from Emebet that Birhan and I had passed. How exciting that day was.

I didn't have any real clue how much my life was to change as the result of passing court that day. First and foremost, my sweet Brynly has been a blessing that I can't even begin to describe in words. But also, Emebet was to become a dear friend and partner in the exciting work that also was born somewhere in the cosmos that day.

October 11, 2007 was the beginning of so much.

I got update pictures not long after (while waiting for news of the embassy date/travel). this was one of them.

EXCITING EAFS ANNOUNCEMENT

2010-10-05T17:41:00.000-07:00

We at Ethio-American Family Services are so excited to announce a new and valuable program just launched in Ethiopia. As many know, we work with a group called Miskaye Children's Welfare Association. Our first project with them was The Miskaye Children's Home. The home has been open for 18 months now. Thirteen children currently live there and over a dozen have gone home to their new families. It is a safe, warm, loving place where children receive the love and care they need and deserve.

We are VERY proud of what we and Miskaye have done. We have, however, always had a goal to do even more. Not every vulnerable child in Ethiopia will be adopted. Yet they are no less worthy of a happy, fullfilling life. There are children who spend their days watching their parents suffer and die in front of them, begging on the street (or worse) because there is no where to turn. There is no way out. Until now.

EAFS and The Miskaye Children's Welfare Association proudly announce the launch of the Read and Feed Education Center. This center is a place of learning and opportunity for kids whose futures would otherwise be quite bleak. You see, there is "free" public education in Ethiopia. however, if a student cannot purchase uniforms and supplies, they cannot attend. It often happens that children never attend because their families cannot afford these things. Or, children start but when they outgrow the uniform or run out of supplies, they basically have to drop out. Once that happens, they fall behind and quite often, never go back to school. Another issue is that children go to school having not eaten breakfast or dinner th enight before. They have no lunch. They are just to hungry to learn. These children fall behind...drop out...

There are not a load of job opportunities available for a poor, uneducated Ethiopia entering the job market. They sometimes can find work as a day laborer. Would you like to take a guess at what wage an Ethiopian day laborer makes? About a dollar a day. Yep, you read that correctly. And that is for the lucky ones who can find that work. Others become street beggars...or worse.

This is where the Read and Feed Center comes in The center currently has 20 students. They are excited to be there...excited to learn...excited that their future may be far brighter than they once could even dare to imagine. They spend the day in a classroom learning and eating nutritous meals to fuel that learning. When they are ready, they will head back to school at the same level as their peers. They will be provided with uniforms, paper, pencils, backpacks...everything they need to succeed and complete their education. They return to Read and Feed for homework support and for dinner so that they never have to fall behind for any reason ever again.

Read and Feed has begun. It will grow in the same way the Children's Home did...with your help. You can be a part of literally changing the direction of these children's lives. What will it cost? $15 per month. That is it. Please visit the EAFS website, look at pictures of the program and consider being a part of this great work.

Who knows what they will accomplish and give to the world thanks to you.

Thursday and Friday

2010-10-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have kind of lost the fire for this week long series...

Thursday was cold and rainy. Birkely had a soccer game so she didn't make it to swim practice. The soccer game was fine but I was happy when it was over and we didn't get caught in a downpour.

Friday was not too busy. School, work. I had a meeting. We ate dinner with my mom and dad. Kids are in bed.

So, there is our week. Pretty typical week. Now onto the weekend.

Wednesday

2010-10-01T17:09:00.000-07:00

Wednesday was a crazy as Tuesday was calm. One of the local high schools was having their homecoming parade and The Studio dancers were slated to march in it. Wednesday is also a swim practice night. So, Ipicked up Birkely from school and Brynly from daycare, brought them home, fed them and then loaded up in the car. Birkely was able to swim fo rmost of the practice before I plucked her out of the water to change for the parade. She is not really speedy when I need her to be so it took a little "nudging" to get her in gear. But, we made it to the parade in time for line up. Birkely did a great job marching an dBrynly and I had fun watching. :)

Tuesday

2010-09-28T17:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a rare evening where nothing was on the docket.

One of my nephews had a doctor appointment, so I picked up Birkely and the two other nephews at school. We hung out at our house until my sister go home. 'dropped the boys off and Birkely and I ran a couple of errands and then picked up the Brynster. We visited with my dad for a few minutes and then headed home. We had a nice, leisurely dinner, played some dressup and watched some tv. Bedtime rolled around and they are now tucked in and snoozing. We like being busy but it is nice to have a free evening now and then to just unwind and hang out.

A good Tuesday. :)

Monday

2010-09-27T17:57:00.000-07:00

Back to school for the week. It was cool and rainy this morning...and dark. I wasn't too keen on getting up out of bed but the rooster, I mean Brynly was up and at 'em early as usual.

Monday is dance night. How it goes is, I pick her up from school and she has about 45 minutes to eat, do homework and change into dance clothes before we have to head out. She dances from 4-6:40 and then Brynly has her classes from 6:40-8. I walked from the Studio to pick up Brynly to try to inject some exercise into the day. It was a nice walk and gave Brynly and I a chance to chat on the way back to the Studio.

Mondays are busy but fun.

Sunday

2010-09-27T06:18:00.000-07:00

Today was Birkely's first swim meet with her new winter team. We headed up to the pool and got our little area staked out and settled in. this one was a small one so it went much faster than meets usually go. Birkely did great. She posted a first, a second and two thirds for her various events.

After the meet, we headed to The Studio for my tumbling classes (I spot, don't get any scary images of me tumbling-too old and fat for that right now). Anyhoo, I jacked up my back last week, so I mostly just coached form the sidelines. :)

After that, we were homeward bound for someplaying, cleaning up and hitting the sack. After the ladies were in bed, Dedra, Travis and I had a conference call to debrief from the Miskaye sit visit trip. More on that later...much more.

A pretty chill Sunday.

Saturday

2010-09-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

Today we headed to the monthly gathering of Pittsburgh area Ethiopian adoptive families. It is a road trip for us as we are two hours away but we always have a great time. We spent the afternoon hanging out with some great people and enjoying wonderful injera and wat. Yummy.

The gathering is at an ET restuarant called Tana. The owner knows all of the kids by name and greets them with hugs, ET cheek kisses and kind words in Amharic. We love Seifhu. :)

After, the ladies got a super special treat. We stopped at Sarris (a yummy candy factory, store) on the way home. They both picked out candy corn. Ick. I hate candy corn, but whatever.

The evening was spent just hanging out at our house. Diann and Jacinda stopped by to pick up their doro wat take out order and visited for a bit. The ladies played outside, watched osme of the dance recital for the millionth time and then headed to bed.

A lovely Saturday in the life indeed.

A Week in the Life...

2010-09-24T06:46:00.000-07:00

In addition to being my venting space, this blog is also a journal of sorts for the girls. Their scrapooks and written journals have been horribly neglected. Someday, though, they can look back at this blog and remember what was going down. I want to try to keep track of the little things more...those day to day things that get lost in the shuffle. So, tomorrow I am starting a little series that I will do now and then. I will blog about the day. What we did. What they said, etc. Now, I understand this means I have to try to blog everyday this week. Hmmm....

Anyhoo, starting tomorrow, " A Week in the life of Sporty Spice and Stinky."

WHAT?!?!?

2010-09-20T08:35:00.000-07:00

I just read a blog where the writer said she thought some adoptive parents overdid it with the "cultural stuff." Meaning the culture of the child. She wrote that she was Scottish and Italian (or something) but she didn't have Scottish and Italian stuff all over her house or eat Scottish and Italian food all the time or talk about Scotland and Italy all the time. Then she went on to explain how upset she was that her child was rejecting all things Ethiopian...thus rejecting a HUGE part of herself. DUH!

Everyone is entitled to their own way of parenting and managing their family but this really went all through me. To compare your connection to the culture of your ancestors when you are in living with your birthparents in the country of your birth to that of a child you have adopted who lived a life in another culture is really apples to oranges. Especially an older child (which this particualr child is). They have no reference point on how to feel about their homeland other than how the parents approach it. To never speak of it or refer to it or celebrate it is to reject it. The child will likely follow that lead. This blogger said that their family did not go to Ethiopian restaurants. She said that she would FEEL SILLY to have Ethiopian stuff in her house. She just didn't think it was a big deal to do any of that. Well, guess what? It is. What was this blogger's solution to the issue of her child rejecting Ethiopia? Her solution is TO NEVER MENTION ETHIOPIA AGAIN. What?!?!What?!?!?!

Just because a child lives here and acclimates themselves to the USA doesn't make them not Ethiopian (or Guatemalan, or Chinese, or Russion or whatever). A parent will be buying a heck of a lot of identitiy issues for their child by taking the "you're in America, you are American now" attitude. I am just flabbergasted really. I can't imagine the confusion in this child's head. I can imagine what it would be in my own child's head. We don't talk about Ethiopia every minute of everyday. We don't eat injera at every meal. But we talk about it a lot. There is Ethiopian stuff all over our house (and I dont' care if anyone thinks it is silly or not.) Sometimes Birkely needs to talk about it more than other times. Sometimes she really needs to have some injera and hear native speakers. She NEEDS that. For her ever to have real peace in her life here, she has to be connected to her life there.

Maybe more on this later...right now I am just kind of shaking my head.

This Ferenge Can Braid

2010-09-19T16:52:00.000-07:00

FINALLY, I have mastered the cornrow. It isn't perfect and it isn't fancy yet, but I can do it. It is the accomplishment of a major goal. It was very important to me to learn to do this for my girls, especially Birkely. She has lots of stories of sitting and having her hair braided by her mom, sister and other friends. It is more than just having hair done. It is an important part of her culture. It is one more connection I can make now. I am not (and will never be) as good and fast at it as the people in her memories. But I can do it...finally.

Some Days are Harder Than Others

2010-09-16T18:36:00.001-07:00

Birkely has been missing her mom this week. 'to be expected after spending the weekend with our friend who was heading to Ethiopia. It seems to be a cyclical thing. I am sure she thinks about her family everyday. It's just that some days are harder than others.

She knows we will go back one day. It is not a hypothetical, "maybe someday", "we'll see about it" kind of a thing. We WILL go back. We will all go back. It is a certainty and she knows that. Knowing that gives her a lot of peace. But there are still questions (mostly logistical) that she has from time to time.

After talking to her tonight, she shared that she wants to have a plan for how she will talk to her mom when the day comes that she sees her again. (For any new readers out there-Birkely is Sidamo, so she spoke that. But when she was brought to the orphanage in the capital, she had to start learning Amharic as that it is the language of that region. In learning the Amharic, she lost most of her Sidamo. She never really learned the Amharic. So, she was essentially without a language for quite some time)

Anyway, Birkely's mom speaks Sidamo and some Amharic. We have been learning Amharic, but she knows that we won't likely be fluent and neither is her mom. So, she wants a plan. Sidamo resources are very limited. Relearning that is realistically not likely. I explained to Birkely that we would get a translator when the time comes and she would be able to tell her mom whatever she wanted. That was all she needed to hear and went to bed tonight clearly relieved.

I know Birkely well enough to know that she has been thinking about this all week. It takes her some time to be able to articulate her worries and such. She is the kind of person that just needs to mull things around and have a clear vision of the question or problem at hand before she wants to discuss it. I understandthis because I am much the same. I am glad she wanted to talk about it this evening and now has that solution she needed.

Reignited

2010-09-15T07:29:00.000-07:00

I haven't written a bunch lately about our Ethio-American Family Services escapades 'cause there haven't been a whole lot. Miskaye is great. If I have the count correct, 12 Miskaye children are now home with their families with more just waiting for the courts to reopen. We have had some truly wonderful feedback from Miskaye parents. One awesoem single lady who adopted twins reported that her Internatioanl Adoption doctor said that her kids were the healthiest he had ever seen upon homecoming. That means A LOT. A LOT. From all acounts, the kids have adjusted very well and bonded quickly with their new families. Miskaye helped them through a very difficult transition and these kids know how to love and be loved. Our Educational Sponosrship program is cruising along with 17 kids now going to school thanks to their sponsors. A few sponsors have even gotten to meet their sponsored child while on trips to Ethiopia.

Honestly, though, for several months, we have kind of been on auto-pilot. It has been a very busy year for my co-founder and me. Life changes, moves, doctorates, a new kid, everyday life responsibilities... Time has been hard to come by to really move forward on new projects and plans.

But after this past weekend, we are reignited. On Saturday, the ladies and I loaded up the van and headed to a Dulles airport hotel. We met up with Dedra and her three girls and a great guy who agreed to travel to Ethiopia for us to deliver lots of supplies and to make our annual site visit. Of course, Dedra and I would have loved to make the trip ourselves, but circumstances just wouldn't allow it this time. It is all good though, because I think we needed to spend this time with Travis. All three of us were renewed, refreshed and revved up to do some great things after talking for a few hours about plans, vision and possibilities.

There is so much we want to do. Plans that have been on the back burner are now beginning to simmer. Really exciting plans. Plans that will make a real difference in the lives of Ethiopian children, ones that will never be adopted. We have moved into a sort of Phase 2. I can't wait to be able to announce our new EAFS endeavors once we have them fleshed out. I know I will once again be asking for help to make it all a reality.

It feels good to be really excited again.

New Year

2010-09-12T17:21:00.000-07:00

Saturday was Enkutatash, the Ethiopian New Year. This year, it happened to coincide with our travelling to D.C. to take four suticases of supplies to be taken to Miskaye by a really awessome EAFS supporter. So, we met up with Dedra and her tribe at the hotel and then headed to an Ethiopian restaurant to celebrate properly. The food was great. But even better was seeign how much fun the girls all had. They were doing their shoulder shimmy dance while they devoured injera and wot (well Brynly will only eat the injera, but anyway). It makes me so happy to see how comfortable they are with their "Ethiopianness." Anytime we spend with Ethiopian people and other ET adoptive families adds to that comfort level.

For Birkely, it helps her work it all out in her head. She is not alone in her situation. She knows and is becoming friends with other kids who have had many of the same experiences that she has had. She hears familiar sounds and smells familiar smells. It is another part of the process of staying as connected as possible and it has helped her to be open about her life stories. She isn't two different people (the Ethiopian and the American). She is both at the same time. Without these experiences, I am not sure she would be able to make that happen.

For Brynly, it is a little different. These connections help bridge the gap created by the fact that she doesn't remember her time in Ethiopia. At 3 and a half, she already identifies as Ethiopian. She knows Amharic words and imitates the dances. There are some answers I will never have for her. But, she will know on a fairly deep level who she is and where she comes from.

There is much they have lost that I can never give back to them. I can only try to give them every opportunity possible to explore the very big part of them that is Ethiopian. Ultimately, that will mean going there. It has to. But it also means all the other little and big things we do that are connected to this truly wonderful country.

Melkem Addis Amet (Happy New Year) everyone Ethiopian or not. :)

End O'Summer

2010-09-06T16:46:00.000-07:00

And so it goes...summer ends...sigh.

But a great sendoff was had in our world this Labor Day weekend. Birkely marched in her first parade and danced her first (non recital) show at the local Italian Heritage Festival. She did a great job. I had to explain again what a parade was bc she hadn't seen one since last years festival. Her memory was jogged when I reminded her of loud bands and candy being thrown. She also did a great job with her duet in the show. She said her "heart was pump hard" (translation-she was nervous) but that is was really fun.

The girls also did the festival stuff-jumping in the inflatable bounce house stuff, eating frittis. Then we headed to my sister's today for a gathering of friends and family. Brynlyw as excited that she got to hold our friend Anna's new baby. Of course she also can't remember his name and almost stepped on him during a diaper change.

Anyhoo, it was a good last blast of summer. We have already been back to school for three weeks but still. This week brings Birkely's first soccer games, the beginning of winter swimming and a weekend adventure to DC for some Ethio-American business. Good times ahead. :)

Fighting for My Kids

2010-09-03T18:50:00.000-07:00

Being a parent means sometimes you have to fight for your kid. Contrary to what some may think, I really don't like to fight. I like to have confidence in and agree with guidance offered by the professionals in our life. I have found, however, that is not always the case.

Recently I had to go against the advice of someone in a position of expert power because I knew in my gut it was the right thing for my child. I tried to work within the system. For clsoe to a year I did. But the time just came that I just plain disagreed and had to act on it. In this particualr case, it had to do with a doctor. I don't claim to know anything about medicine. But, as I have learned from my dad's 3 and a half year odyssey with cancer, one generalist cannot know all there is to know about everything. My family probably knows more about advanced prostate cancer and the various treatments than many medical professionals.

Anyway, my kid obviously doesn't have prostate cancer. Nothing even remotely close to that serious, thank God. But there was an issue that I have learned about through a lot of study. International adoption can be a variable in the health and development of a child. I felt this variable was not being given the weight it should and I felt I was being dismissed, even "poo pooed". That is not a good feeling.

I was tired of hitting the wall, so I had to take the issue into my own hands and go outside the box to get my kid the care she deserves whether or not anybody agreed with me. This week, that process was begun via The International Adoption Center. It involved a car ride, an overnight trip, a day off of work and school, money being spent... It would have been much easier to defer to the opinion of the profession. i just couldn't do that. I don't claim to have all the answers and I don't go looking for trouble. But one thing I can tell you for sure, is that I will always fight for my kids.

Why I Brown?

2010-08-31T18:25:00.001-07:00

Brynly: Why I brown and you pink?

Me: Your Ethiopia mommy and daddy gave you your brown skin.

Brynly: Why they give to me?

Me: It was something they could give you that you could have with you forever and ever.

Brynly: That a good present.

...yes, Brynly, that was a wonderful gift. I thank them everyday for every little brown part of you.

A Tall Order

2010-08-25T17:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, so, I am putting this out there hoping that all of you out there with blogs will copy and paste it and those that read will do the same...until someone, somewhere reading realizes it is about THEIR children.

I am not kidding myself it is a tall order indeed. But I have to beleive there is a family out there for 5 awesome kids who are currently living at Miskaye. Yep, that's right there are 5 of them...two girls (13 and 5) and three boys (10, 6 and 16 months). Oh, and the oldest is HIV+. Tall order, I know.

I can't say much about their story in this public forum, nor can I show you pictures of how beautiful they all are. But, I can tell you that these brothers and sisters have been through a lot together and they love each other. The bottom line is that they want to stay together. We are working hard to make sure they can.

At Miskaye, they are safe and well fed. They go to school and they get the medical care they need. The staff loves them. But, still, they NEED a family. They need a family that will take them all.

A few organizations including Ethio-American Family Services are working together to get these kids what they need. There has been a recent donation to help defray the adoption costs...lots of people are stepping up to help these kids get a family.

You can find out more via this link.

Please repost. Or, if you are that very special family...:)

Can You Help a Kindred Spirit?

2010-08-23T17:12:00.000-07:00

A fellow blogger whose story I have followed for years and to whom I feel a connection bc our families mirror each other's in a lot of ways needs some help. (Wow that was a long sentence) Anyway, she is lookig for the bio sister of her oldest daughter, 9 year old Medina. So, especially for those of you in Spain or with contacts in Spain please take a minute to read these excerpts from her blog.

We are looking for Medina’s sister Eliham. We know she was adopted by a family in Spain using the agency IPI. She was relinquished sometime after November, 2007. Eliham would be 5 years old now. She was born in Dessie and their mother is named Workinesh. Their grandfather is Arage and their grandmother is Bayoush.

If you have any information about Eliham, please let me know. I would love to contact her family. Medina misses her sister very much and would love to know where she is.

Please, please, please repost this everywhere you can think of. You can link to my new search blog, http://buscandoeliham.wordpress.com. Share my new facebook page, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Buscando-ElihamLooking-for-Eliham/108432592547641. Blog about these links, post them on facebook, tweet them or anything else you can think of to get the word out.

Back to School

2010-08-19T11:16:00.001-07:00

Today was the first day of school...much to Birkely's chagrin. The novelty of school definately wore off last year and after her discovery of summer, she was less than thrilled to head back to the hallowed halls of academia today. She wasn't dreading it or upset or even nervous about it. She just would much rather spend the day at the pool or riding her bike or playing soccer. In her words, "I no like sit all day."

But, off she went. She posed for the obligatory first day of school pictures and headed into her new classroom. When I picked her up, she reported having a good day and has faced the fact that this is just how it works.

Birkely is a lot like me in many ways. It is becoming evident that her relationship to school may be like mine was. I didn't mind it. I did well without having to put too much into it. I enjoyed spending time with my friends and the subjects that interested me. I saw the merit in it. But, I wasn't in love with school. In my case, I would have much rather been involved in some artisitc or creative activity. In Birkely's case, she would much rather be playing some sport.

That is okay. I think it is a healthy attitude to have. School is not the end all be all of existence and academic performance does not define a person's worth. Strange words coming from a college professor perhaps. I will give my perspective on school in another post sometime which stems from the fact that i don't consider "school" and "education" synonomous.

Anyhoo, the school year has begun and I am sure that will mean lots of adventures in the life of the Birkster.

Too Much

2010-08-10T17:18:00.000-07:00

Lately stuff has been bothering me. "Stuff" literally. We have so much stuff. Too much. We have stuff we don't use, don't wear, don't play with, don't need, don't even know we have. I move stuff around. I step over stuff. I try to find a place for all the stuff in our smallish home. It is getting to me on several levels. This last adoption pretty much bankrupted me. I have recovered some in a year, but not totally. I look at all this stuff and see money I could have used much more responsibly. I also look at this stuff and feel discgusted with myself because so many have SOOOO much less. So many have nothing. NOTHING.

I want to do things with my girls. I want to travel with them, to see the world with them. I want to take them to Ethiopia again and again and again. I would so much rather go and do than to have...stuff.

So, I am slowly but surely wittling it all down. I am truly considering what stuff we need to be comfortable. We can be very comfortable with far less than we have. I am not even a really extravagent person. I hate to shop. But somehow, we still have all this crap. Slowly but surely, it is leaving our world. We had a yard sale last Saturday, but mostly I am hauling it all to the Salvation Army. B and B and I took two van loads over on Sunday. Birkely wanted to know what we were doing. I told her we were getting rid of things we don't need so that people who don't have clothes and shoes and toys can have them. Today, we went through her shoes and she handed me a few pairs and said she wanted to give them to the people who need them. :)

Anyway, stuff, I am putting you on notice. If you don't rate high enough, you are out.

Sistas

2010-08-08T17:54:00.000-07:00

This summer has been great for Birkely and Brynly's sisterness. Our summer was pretty chill by our definition anyway. So, they got to spend a lot of time together just playing. Considering their age difference, they play together really well. One of thier favorite things to do is to play "restaurant." They carefully create "food" our of Playdough. They set a beautiful table. One takes the order, etc. It is really cute to listen in on. They also love to play dress up and with their dolls and Barbies. They have played together at the pool and the park and in our backyard. Although they do get on each other's nerves sometimes and the occasional tiff does break out, for the most part they get along.

This is what I always wanted for them. When I adopted Brynly, I knew I wanted her to have a sister...an Ethiopian sister. This shared heritage is part of their developing bond. We talk about Ethiopia A LOT in our house. Birkely's memories and stories of her past help Brynly identify as being Ethiopian in a way I don't think she could if she were an only child. Having Brynly around helps Birkely deal in some way with missing her siblings in Ethiopia.

Another reason I definately wnated to two children is becasue I am only one. I am a singel parent and honestly have no desire for that to ever change. So, I just feel that if there was only going to be one parent, there needed to be two kids.

I hope their relationship coninues to develop as we head into the crazy time of school, soccer, off season swimming, dance, etc. I am trying to consciously carve out some time where they can just hang out with each other and play.

Birkely's Gotcha Day Video

2010-08-01T19:13:00.001-07:00

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Gotcha Day Gift

2010-07-31T12:24:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, we will finally have a little Gotcha Day celebration for Birkely. The summer has been crazy and we were on vacation on the actual day. It took until now to have a free day.

Gotcha Days in our family are sorta casual. Friends and family come over and we enjoy Ethiopian food. Shout out to my BFF for cooking up the doro wat (much appreciated). I try to focus the day on Ethiopia as opposed to America. Our beginnings as mother and daughter began in Ethiopia. It is because of Ethiopia that we are a family at all. The day is also about remembering and/or honoring the girls' Ethiopian families. We are happy to be together and to celebrate the start of our relationship. But those starts came after very painful endings. Birkely's gift this year centered on her family. Gotcha Day is not a gift giving event. They get one gift from me on their Gotcha Day. On my trips to Ethiopia, I picked up several things to give them as they grow up. This year, however, I wanted to give Birkely something that she had been asking for almost daily for a long time. She wanted a picture of her mother. She was afraid that her mother would die before she got to see her again and that she would "forget her face."

So, I undertook a search in Ethiopia to get her what she wanted/needed. Of course, I had my own questions about her life before me, her family, etc. But, more importantly, I knew that Birkely could never really be at peace here without a tangible photograph of her mother. It cost a small fortune that I really don't have and it took some time. But I got that picture and more. I got answers to some of my questions and I hope some answers for her someday when she is ready to hear her mother's voice answering them.

Birkely has the pictures in an album that she keeps in her purse or by her bed or even in bed with her at night. She brings them out when she needs to and has even shared them with some.

Another special thing about this Gotcha gift was that it was also a gift for her mother in Ethiopia. The majority of the contents of the dvd are for Birkely alone, but I will share one part. I sent pictures of Birke now. At one point on the dvd, the searcher handed an envelope to Birke's mother. She opened it and looked at each one. She cried. She kissed the photos. She was able to see a sweet little face she likely thought she would never see again.

My true hope is that, someday, Birke and both of her moms will have a picture of all three of us together.

The Brynster

2010-07-21T18:27:00.000-07:00

The blog has been Birkely heavy lately with our one year anniversary and all. Anyway, I wanted to give Brynly Birhan some air time too.

She is wild and crazy in the best possible way. She NEVER EVER STOPS TALKING. Her mouth opens with her eyes in the morning and doesn't stop until she falls asleep. She is fiesty and funny. She spends a lot of time giggling at her self. She seriously cracks herself up.

As always, she is a rock star. She just has this magnetic personality. People feel compelled to talk to her, to comment on her cuteness, etc.

It is sometimes hard to believe that the tiny, quiet, noodly legged little baby I met almost three years ago has come to be this effervescent, energetic, life loving little girl.

I can't even put into words how much I adore this child. Even when I am sure I will lose my mind if I hear the word "why?" one more time; even when I am exhausted from being so constantly engaged...even so I adore her. She changed everything about my life for the better.

Love ya, Bryny Winny Cocoa Puff. :)

Happy Birthday Birkely!

2010-07-20T06:56:00.000-07:00

Birkely had her birthday parties on Sunday. One for kids and one for the fam. The kid party was cool and very hot. We went to a gymnastics center and the kids could jump on trampolines, dive into foam pits, swing on rings, etc. They had a great time but it was pretty darn hot. Luckily, most of the parents spent the time in front of a giant fan.:

Then later, we headed to my mom and dads for a shared party with Pappaw. (I chose my dad's birthday as Birkely's-She thinks that is pretty cool). She raked in some good stuff and now understands that a check equals money and when it is made out to her, that is a good thing.

So, Birkley is now 8, I guess. We will never know for sure exactly how old she is. I think we are pretty close and an investigation in Ethiopia kind of confirmed it. But, age and birthdays don't matter that much there, so it is a best guess. The whole idea can be maddening for some and liberating for others. Americans like have certainty on things. I have tried to let go of that, at least on this count. Who really cares after all? I tell Birkely she may be 8, she may not be. Years from now, she can use it to her advantage and be 29 forever.

Reunited

2010-07-09T18:29:00.000-07:00

Today was a special day. We had fun at a nearby zoo and the ladies took a paddle boat loop around the lake. What was special, though, was that we were with some special people. Birkely and her main buddy from the orphanage were reunited and I got to meet in person some great people who are also great supporters of Miskaye. These are folks who have given very generously and who have opened their home to a young man EAFS helped to bring to the states from Ethiopia for an education. NOT an easy task. Anyway, they are great and I was happy to meet them in person.

As for the reunion, Birke talked about it for days. But I knew it would be strange for her. She associates the orphanage with Hermela. She even calls the orphanage, "Hermela's House." Hermela is somewhat younger, but the two of them were basically the only ones in the place older than 2. They went through a lot together. Birkely was very quiet and somewhat removed today. She is the kind of person who needs some processing time. Had the visit been longer, I am sure she would have warmed up a lot more. She is also the kind of person who likes ot have a visual referenece and I know she was happy to have a picture in her mind of Hermela now, her family, etc. On the way home she told me she was happy to see her and that she had grown and that she "talks fast." :) Hermela is a great kid. It was fun fo rme to see her again. Those who know the whole story know that she will always hold a special place in my heart. :)

Today's reunion is another one of those things that make me marvel at this child. The kind of things Birkley must sort through on a daily basis are beyond comprehension by most of us. I can only hope that one of those question mark shaped holes was filled in today for both of them.

The "Lucky" Thing Again

2010-07-05T12:52:00.001-07:00

Over the last year, I have heard so many times how lucky my kids are, specifically Birkely. People say things like, "oh, how her life is so much different." By "different", they mean "better." I appreciate that they are actually thinking about the contrast and not just dismissing all that was before for her in Ethiopia.

What I don't like is the wide eyed amazement at how this child they now know could have "lived like that." Living "like that" was what she knew. She was with the people she knew and loved. It was just life to her and she was happy. As I have said before, I am not comfortable sharing much about the details of her story in this public way bc it isn't my tale to tell. But, she was not a case of a child living in an orphanage for years pining for a family. She had a family. If she had been given a choice at the time, she likely would have opted to stay with that family. Some people think, for an Ethiopian child, coming to the USA is a candy and lollipops, sunshine, awesome, wonderful, rosy thing. Maybe for some, but not for any older adopted child I have ever met. Some have terrible memories of their past in Ethiopia and are able to come here and put that pain aside for awhile (not forever). Birkely had lots of heartache in Ethiopia but not the kind that would make her want to reject her life there.

She has had somewhat of a hard time embracing her life here. She loves people here and enjoys much about her new life. But there are people in Ethiopia that she loves and things she did there that she misses terribly. It is painful for her to be here sometimes when they are there. What has given her some peace is when I tell her that we will go back. She will not have to wait until she is an adult to see Ethiopia again. She often comtemplates whether she will live here or there when she grows up. She was very happy when I told her she could even go back and forth if she wanted. It will be up to her.

If asked, Birkely will tell you she is Ethiopian. Ethiopia is a HUGE part of her identity. I will work hard to make that stick as the years go by. Honestly, I don't want her to become completely Americanized. That would be a disservice to her and a diss to her family.

I am not sure what my point here is. Maybe it is for those who have family or friends with an internationally adopted child. Think just a little before you tell them how lucky they are and maybe consider for a minute that not everything about the USA is preferable to wherever the child came from.

Vaca 2010

2010-06-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

Last week, B and B along with Diann and Jacinda hit the road for a little vaca. The beach has been our usual spot for many years. We decided to shake it up this year. We spent some time at Hershey Park and Amish Country.

It was HOOOOOT. I mean wicked hot. Lest you forget, I love summer and despise winter. I will take the hot, hazy, humid over the freezing cold and snowy anyday. It was really hot though. Even so, rides were ridden, shows were seen, buggy rides were taken, food was eaten and fun was had by all.

It is not always easy to take trips when you area single mom of two kids of a kind of large age gap. We are very lucky to have Diann and Jacinda as our travel buddies. This year, both of the older girls were willing and able to ride most of the rides by themselves. Some of the big coasters were a bit of a question mark for Birkely. But, thanks to a nice, puffy ponytail, she was tall enough to ride 'em. ;)
Brynly was finally old enough and tall enough to ride some of the little rides by herself. Don't get me wrong, I am a rider, but it was fun to watch them have the fun.

Amish Country was also cool. I really like to learn about other cultures and microcultures and, I have discovered, so does Birkely. We had a fun buggy ride learning about the Amish and even got soem homemade root beer.

We are back in the home routine now but are always looking forward to our next adventure.

Then and Now

2010-06-26T16:50:00.000-07:00

As of yesterday, Birkely has been home for one year. What a wild year it has been. She has grown in every way. She is about 4 inches and twelve pounds bigger. Then she spoke NO English. Now she is conversational. Other than some word order issues, I would even say conversationally fluent. A year ago she could not write or even recognize any letters of the alphabet. Now she can read. A year ago, I kniew virtually nothing about her. Now, I know the vulnerable but incredibly strong person she is.

Gotcha Day!

2010-06-22T18:55:00.000-07:00

I have been on vacation so I am late with some importatn anniversary posts.

June 21 is Birkely's Gotcha Day. :)Gotcha Days are very important, perhaps even moreso than birthdays, for adoptive families. Although on vacation, Birkely's first Gotcha Day was commemorated. Thanks to the crew at Red Robin in Hershey, PA for revamping the birthday song. :)

A party will be had later to properly celebrate, btw.

Here is a little recap of our Gotcha Trip.

Last year was a crazy one. I had gone to Ethiopia three weeks prior with Diann to pick up Jacinda and to make a site visit to Miskaye. It was on that trip that I actually met Birkely and got to hang out with her some.

Sidenote-there are new regulations in Ethiopian adoption that require two trips. Although this can be a financial burden for adoptive parents, I think it is a good idea, particularly for older children. My first trip helped to ease her fears and mine.

Anyway, the Gotcha Trip was a great one. Dedra traveled with me to take care of some Miskaye business as my focus was to be on Birkely. I flew Emirates instead of my usual Ethiopian Airlines. The Emirates flight involves an overnight layover in Dubai. The airline puts you up at a very nice hotel for the layover. It was nice to get a shower and sleep in an actual bed and then hit the ground running in Addis Ababa the next morning. Dubai is also really cool. I plan to make a little mini vacation of it on the way to Ethiopia someday.

So, we arrived in Addis on Sunday. My friend/driver Abrham picked us up and we headed to the guesthouse. Emebet and Tenaye arrived shortly to go over some paperwork. This trip was so much different than my Gotcha Trip for Brynly. I knew the place. I have friends there now. I had already met Birke...

We finished up the paperwork and visited for a bit and then headed to Bete Saida to get Birke. She was very excited. Abrham had told me that she was telling everyone that she was going to America and would "send back money and candy." We spent just a little bit of time at Bete. I told Birke we would be back in a few days so she didn't have to say her goodbyes then. Out of the gates we went. We headed to TopView for lunch with Emebet and Tenaye. Birke was quiet but comfortable because she already knew and loved Tenaye.

The rest of the week was busy with the embassy, site seeing, eating, visiting Miskaye, shopping, etc. Birke was (and is)a trooper and took everything in stride. She enjoyed having her hair braided and being out and about. She had only a little interest in any of the toys I brought. She loved playing with my phone and a little computer game thing I brought her though.

On the trip home, we got bumped to business class for the first leg of the journey. That was awesome. After landing in Dubai, we had to SPRINT to the gate for the connection after clearing customs. I wasn't sure we would make it but we did. We were back in coach for this 12 hour leg, but Birkely was perfectly happy taking advantage of the onboard entertainment system. We finally landed in NYC and had just a bit of time until our final flight to Pittsburgh.

My mom and sister picked us up in Pburgh and we headed home to a small gathering of family and friends. We were home.

It has been a long year of ups and downs for both of us. But, we have emerged and we are family.

I love you Birkely/Birke/Betay!!!!

Recital...ugh

2010-06-13T15:22:00.000-07:00

This week was the ladies' first dance recital. I am the Exec Dir. of the dance studio so recital week is never one of my favs (understatment of the year right there). This year was probably the most high drama and awful I have seen yet. The saving grace was that my girls had sooo much fun. Brynly was absolutely in her element. She thought every single person in the sold out crowd was there just to see her. Birkely was awesome. Even though it was her first year of dance,she was in a trillion numbers and was a total pro...well except for plowing into some other kid in the dark after a jazz number. Anyway, I dread recital every year and I am sure that will not change, but I will try hard to not let my feelings about it effect the excitement and fun B and B have.

We had a pretty lazy day recovering. Tonight, the ladies will head to bed early and I probably won't be far behind.

Summer Kickoff

2010-05-31T17:27:00.001-07:00

It was a great summer kickoff weekend.

Saturday we headed to Pittsburgh for our monthly Ethiopian adoptive family gathering. It was good to see some friends we hadn't seen for awhile and for the ladies to practice some of the Amharic we have been working on. These gatherings are important (not just for a great meal). They give the ladies a chance to interact with other ET adoptees and, more importantly, with the Ethiopian folks who own the restaurant. They love Seifhu and were proud to use their Amharic words on him.

Sunday was a family gathering that involved cake so it was all good with B and B. Then Monday we hit the park to try out Birkely's new bike. She had a little bike last year with training wheels, but it was really too small. Anyway after about an hour, she was off an driding all by herself. Stopping, starting, turning, the whole nine yards. Brynly inherited the little bike and she got the hang of pedaling and braking all by herself too. After lunch, we headed to the pool. Later, we went to a kids night thing at the local BW3. Clowns, face painting and we all ate for $10.04! Hot diggity dog.

Tomorrow, Birkely begins her last week of school. Shew, we will both be glad to be finished with that for awhile. She had a great year, but enough is enough for a couple of months. The sun is here and we have other stuff to do. :)

CourtDateAVersary

2010-05-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

A year ago today...

a judge in Ethiopia decreed that Birkely was officially my daughter.

This court date was far different than the one I had for Brynly. I was blissfully ignorant with Brynly and the Ethiopian process changed some during the time between the two. I was in Ethiopia a year ago today. I did not attend the proceeding out of respect for Birkely's family but it was still weird and cool to actually be in Addis on court day. The day went something like this...

Diann had taken custody of Jacinda so we began the day with breakfast at the guesthouse. Other families from Diann's jacked up agency were there. Her agency's families almost never pass the first time, so none of them thought I had a prayer. I wasn't 100% certain we would pass, but the odds were in our favor bc my agency rep was awesome. Anyway, I did not visit Birkely that day bc I was told her mom would be visiting her. That did not happen...but that is a story for another day. Anyway, Diann, Jacinda and I went shopping with Abrham. I called Emebet a few (hundred) times to see if she had heard anything. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

A bit later, we were buying some scarves at a little place and Abrham came up with his phone and said, "Emebet for you." GULP, this was it. Being the trickster that she is ;) she started by speaking all slow and sad, but then told me WE PASSED.

Usually parents are a world away, actually sleeping when the decree is handed down. It was awesome to be able to celebrate passing court with my new daughter.

Happy Courtdateaversary, Betay!!!!!!!!!

A Year Ago...

2010-05-18T05:57:00.001-07:00

One year ago today, I saw Birkely in person for the very first time. It is not our Gotcha Day bc I had to leave her for a bit until then. But, it was a very special day nonetheless.

The day began with a focus on getting Diann to her daughter. She used a completely awful, jacked up agency...Anyway, once she finally contacted somebody and got direction sto where she needed to go, we climbed in the car with Abrham my awesome driver/translator/barterer/friend while in country. We made it there to discover more mistakes made by her agency and that Jacinda wasn't actually there. So, we headed out again. We finally found the place and spent much of the day taking pics of Di and Jacinda's Gotcha Day. I was so happy to be a part of that special time.

I hadn't totally planned on seeing Betay that day. But, she had already been told I was coming, so even though it was a little late, off to Bete Saida I went. I walked in a smallish, darkish room and this little thing in a red turtleneck ran over and tackled me with a hug. We spent a couple of hours hanging out, playing with some toys, fighting off the pack of toddlers nippin gat my heels and talking via the director.

I headed back to the guest house that night with lots of anxiousness and worries lifted from my shoulders. I hope she went to bed that night with the same sense of a lighter load.

We have both come a long way since then. It hasn't always been smooth sailing, but we are making it. And it all started onthis day one year ago.

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T16:46:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day!

I am reflective as I approach my courtdateaversary for Birkely, Gotcha Day, etc. Last year on Mother's Day, I was celebrating being Brynly's mom and looking forward to travelling with Diann to be a part of her first days as a mom and to meeting my own new addition. It was an exciting time. But, as with most exciting times associated with my moterhood, there is an element of bittersweetness. The simple fact is, my motherhood is a result of another mother's great pain. I am never unaware of that.

There is no such thing as Mother's Day in Ethiopia. But I hope that these two very special women know that I dearly love our daughters and will do my best to make sure they always know that the beginning of their lives are precious and special.

On Stage Again

2010-04-26T08:13:00.001-07:00

I had a play this weekend. It was a ton of fun to be back in that spot off the stage, managing a show again. It was familiar but new. The past three or so years has been a strange time of evolution for me. Let me give some background...

I have always loved theatre, acting, the lot of it. I was an actor and did that whole scene. Then I sort of accidentally started directing children's theatre. It was what I did for a long time, how I made my living (such as it was). For over ten years, it was the focus of my life. As soon as one show ended, another began. We did some really good work. I met a lot of great people. Memories were created for me and the kids and their parents.

It took a lot of time and a lot of mental and physical energy. But it was my passion. It was what I was meant to do right then and there. But time marches on. Things change. A few major developments came about that took a chunk out of my time and mental a physical energy stores. Among them was my new full time "real" job, starting a non profit dance organization with some friends for which I do various and sundry duties, our primary venue became unavailable, my dad began a battle with cancer and Brynly and then Birkely.

I have done a few smaller scale things here and there in the past few years, but it wasn't the same. It just became hard.

This year, when Birkely started at school, I connected with the mother of one of my former little actors. This mother also happens to be the assistant principal at the school. And so, we worked it out for a school production to benefit an ongoing playground fundraising campaign. It was arranged that the show would be performed at the high school rather than the elementary school.

So, a great opportunity was before me. Rehearsals during the day while Brynly was still at daycare and Birkely would be in the show. Performances on a big, wonderul stage. I was excited but a little worried that maybe I didn't have it in me anymore. I am older, fatter and my passions have shifted a lot.

There were definately some challenges including three weeks of rehearsal lost to the winter snows, very green actors, etc. But, this weekend, standing in my spot, I felt it again. The feeling is not exactly the same. I am not the same...but it was good.

Mad

2010-04-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday it was confirmed that physical abuse occurred at Birkely's orphanage. I had my suspicions from things I had seen there and things she has told me. There was at least one nanny there that hit and pinched the children, including the babies and also hit them with "sticks." One such stick hitting incident nearly cost Birkely one of her eyes. This is infuriating. These are people's children...the children of both birth and adoptive parents. They are entrusted to their care and they failed. Birkley came to them fragile, malnourished, unable to speak their language. This orphanage failed her.

I have seen it over and over...conditions such as this and worse at orphanages. It is NOT OKAY. Seeing it at Brynly's orphanage is the reason Dedra and I started Ethio-American Family Services and thus, Miskaye. There are good, caring, loving people in Ethiopia who want the best for the orphaned children of their country. There are also people who are in the orphanage "business" for very wrong reasons.

I wish Birkely could have been placed at Miskaye rather than this place but the timing did not allow it. I wish a place like Miskaye for all these children. "Miskaye" literally means "a place of safety." Every child deserves that. The children who come to an orphanage are hurting. They are hungry, often sick. They are greiving losses no child should have to experience. They have suffered enough by the time they walk through the gate.

I wish I could adequately express the kind of place Miskaye is in comparison to many other orphanages. I can't really. You have to see it. We are working to put together a trip for 2011 so that some of you can see it. I can show pictures but it is not the same. I can only ask you to do two things. 1) Imagine YOUR child is afraid and alone, hungry and sad. They have likley watched their family suffer and die before their eyes. They are taken to a place with nothing more than the clothes on their backs. What kind of place would you want that to be? Now imagine that child is taunted and pinched and hit with sticks for no reason and 2)Help me maintain the place where that does not happen...the place where they are hugged and tucked in at night. The place where they know they are safe.

You can help. Everyone can. We are trying to raise money now to get a huge load of supplies to Ethiopia. Every $5, every $10 helps. Every single penny helps to save Miskaye's children from enduring what my childred and Dedra's children and so many others ave had to.

Selam.

Easter

2010-04-04T17:50:00.000-07:00

This was Birkely's first Easter in the USA. We were up early, of course, since Brynly is part rooster. The ladies played outside for awhile and then came in for a bath. We gather at my sister's inlaws house for most holiday dinners and after getting all snazzied up, we were off for a yummy Easter dinner. After, we came home to change clothes and then moved on to my parents' for an egg hunt and some pizza.

This year of firsts has involved a lot of explaining of some things that are really quite ridiculous. For the life of her, Birkely could not figure out why some big rabbit brought her gifts, why we colored eggs and then hid them...She has spent a lot of the last few days with a very puzzled look on her face asking, "why?". Honestly, I am not too sure why. It is pretty crazy.

I am not a big fan of Easter activities (important to note that I am not talking aboutthe religious signifigance, just the commercial stuff here). Doing a craft that involves children and permanent, staining dye is not really a well conceived plan. We did the obligatory egg coloring at our house and also attended an egg coloring party at Diann's. Despite the fact that more than one article of clothing is now ruined and many eggs will go to waste, the kids enjoyed both and Diann always throws a good shin dig. Then there are the baskets. I am trying hard to cut down on the amount of junk the ladies eat and occasion after occasion that centers on candy is making it very difficult.

But all in all, they looked cute in their dresses and they had fun.

Professor Hat

2010-03-30T06:55:00.001-07:00

One of the hats I wear is that of Professor. I teach various Communication topics at a smallish university. Many of my students are first generation college goers. Many come totally unprepared to do college level work. Many, frankly, should not be in college at all. I enjoy my work but it can be frustrating when I have to water things down, etc. The undergradute experience my studnets have is not necessarily the same one I had. I have come to realize that this is okay. Over the years, I have been able to hone the way I teach my class so that it is manageable but also integrates some of the higher order skills I think are so important...the ones I learned in college.

I went to a VERY small liberal arts school. Shout out to Bethany! :) Anyway, it was academically rigorous. There was also a philosophy that basically focused on teaching us to be thinking, doing individuals. My favorite teacher/director of all time (shout out to Dr. Judy:)) often said, "you are not here to learn to be an actor, engineer, or teacher, you are here to become a citizen of the world." We were taught to think. We were expected to synthesize information across disciplines. Bethany is one of very few undergraduate schoools to require a senior comprehensive exam. We were tested on all the information covered as part of our major and also given an oral exam. It forced us to really learn and understand as we traveled through our four years rather than memorize and regurgitate information. We were also expected to do. If we didn't like something, we were told to work to change it. If we felt Bethany was lacking something, we were told to create it. I learned a lot at Bethany. As I get older, I realize more and more what a valuable experience it was.

My students' experience is not like that. Some of it, I think is generational. But, that is a topic for another day. A lot (not all) of my students expect everything to be mapped out for them. They want to know what they need to know for a test. They don't think to apply knowledge from one class to another...it is hard to reach them on a deeper level. I try to make my students look beyond what is written in a text. Every once in a while, I think I succeed. Like today. Today, a student sent me an email thanking me for an assignment. I had directed them to watch The Last Lecture by Dr. Randy Pausch. He was a professor at Carnegie Mellon who was dying of pancreatic cancer. If you haven't seen it, watch it. This student was inspired. He now understands a concept he never could have by reading about it in a textbook. It wasn't my lecture, I can't take credit for anything other than asking the class to watch it and think about it. There are lesosns in that assignment that go far beyond learning the structure of a speech or even undertanding the power of the spoken word. In the midst of a frustrating time, it is nice to get feedback like that from a student.

The Sweater

2010-03-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

I want to introduce you to a dear friend. Meet...The Sweater.

The Sweater has a rich story. We met about 11 or 12 years ago. She belonged to my sister, purchased for her by her husband for Christmas, I believe. Little did he know when he stumbled into B. Moss that day that he had found a little piece of gold. I coveted this sweater. It was "me." And yet, it was not mine. Then, my sister got pregnant. She was to be too fat to wear The Sweater for awhile so I was offered temporary custody. I held on for as long as I could. Around Christmas of 2000 or 2001 (I can't remember which)we had to part. My sister took possesion. It was a sad day for me...and I believe for my sweater as well.

Less than a month later, my sister's house burned down. After sorting through the true tragedy of it all and assessing what had been lost and what had been saved, I had to ask..."THE Sweater????" IT HAD SURVIVED!!! It had survived the fire and smoke and water. It was intact but smoky and smelly. My sister said, "If you can get that stink out of it, you can have it."

I was on a mission. It was washed and washed and washed again. It was dry cleaned. It was sent away for ozone treatments. It emerged again. My Phoenix. My Sweater. For several years, my sister could swear she could still smell the smoke. But, it didn't matter to me. We were reunited. And it was good.

The Sweater has been my "go to" for years. It always fits. My weight has varied dramatically over the last 12 years. But, The Sweater always fits. I can wear it to work. Ic an wear it to ball games. I can wear it to parties. It is bright and cheery and always draws a comment from adoring fans. Recently my dad spent some time gingerly sewing up a few little holes. Battle scars from a life well lived and not yet over. As I prepare to put away the fall/winter clothes, I will give The Sweater a little kiss and whisper, "until we meet again, my friend..."

Happy Birthday!

2010-03-18T17:46:00.000-07:00

March 2009 was a big month. I saw Birkely's face for the first time (more on that later) and this month last year, Miskaye opened.

Last March, a small group of scared children entered the gates and were no longer lost or alone. I have seen orphanages in Ethiopia and I know that it is often the case that orphaned children go from one bad situation to another when they are admitted. This is just not the case with Miskaye. They enter to loving arms, good food, warm beds, clean water...They go to school. For perhaps the first time in their lives, they play.

If you have not seen other orphanges and Miskaye, you may not really be able to understand. That is okay. I didn't really either. Until I adopted, the whole situation seemed sad but so far away. It wasn't until I saw the place my first daughter lived.It wasn't until I met the older children who felt their only hope in life was to be adopted. It wasn't until I heard about baby after baby dieing.

We have had great feedback. The children coming home are as healthy as we could have hoped for. One mother shared with us that her IA (International Adoption)doctor told her her Miskaye kids were the healthiest internationally adoptd children he had ever seen. That is the kind of compliment we were hoping for. We have worked hard to achieve it. We have a great team here and there and wonderful supporters who helped us build Miskaye $10 at a time. We have a lot of work yet to do for sure. But, one year out, we are getting there. People who visit are touched by the children and the place. There is just something about it.

My family doesn't really seem that interested when I talk about Miskaye. I am not sure why that is. They have heavy things on their mind, I know. I used to talk about it a lot. Maybe they just got tired of hearing about it. I don't know. What I do know is that it is one of the only truly fulfilling things I have ever done in my life and so I am glad all you cyberbuddies are a captive audience so that I can blather on.

This pics are from a dinner I had with them (along with my BFF and her newly adopted daughter) back in May. AS you can see, the kids were a part of it. It was like we were at someone's home having dinner. It was a great evening...it was a great trip. I miss it so much...

Happy birthday Miskaye!

Getaway

2010-03-14T18:24:00.001-07:00

The ladies and I packed up and headed out with Diann and Jacinda for a little getaway. We took the kids to The Carnegie Science Center and for a yummy dinner at Tana.

It was great to get away. Pittsburgh is barely two hours away. Close by but far enough. It was great. New situations still pose a challenge sometimes as that Birkely is still learning how to act in different contexts and I am still learning how best to deal with that. And Brynly is crazy. Even so, we all had a great time.

The kids loved the science center. We saw a couple of cute shows and the ladies got to have some hands on learning type fun. Tana was great as usual. I love when th egirls can interact with Ethiopians. Siefhu and the gang at Tana treat the kids like family and I am so grateful for that. We stuffed ourselves with injera and wat. :)

The ladies are back to school tomorrow. I am on Spring Break. Hot Diggity!